IN THIS EDITION:   Here’s at least one case where everything you’ve ever learned about body language and rapport just might be WRONG…

 

“IF YOU DID SOMETHING ON ‘HOW TO GET A WOMAN TO THINK ABOUT YOU CONSTANTLY’, I’D BE FIRST IN LINE TO GET IT”:   

 

This week I added a killer co-hosted session with none other than Zan Perrion to the Virtuosity program. 

 

As you probably know, Zan is known for talking extensively about being a “natural” when it comes to skills with women.   Having asked several of you guys what you’d LOVE to hear Zan and I talk about, it seems a lot of us as guys want to know how to keep our cool when we meet a woman who knocks our socks off.  AND…instead of obsessing about her, what’s the secret to getting HER to think about US all the time for a change?  With all of that in mind, we decided to do an epic, full-length program entitled: “How To Make Her Think About You Constantly: Emotional Management vs. Desperation And Trickery”. 

 

When the dust had cleared from this one, Zan matter-of-factly stated, “Wow, man.  There’s a lot of stuff in there that I’ve never ever talked about before.”  Indeed.  Such is the nature of Virtuosity.  Non-stop original content designed to GIVE YOU what you SIMPLY WILL NOT FIND anywhere else, now from over 30 world–class experts. 

 

Oh, by the way…within 48 hours you can also count on an all-new BONUS LENGTH track in the Online Dating Domination section.  In it I will finally spill the beans on every single lurid detail regarding what it takes to become the absolute MOST SUCCESSFUL man in your entire city on the online dating site of your choice.  You don’t hear too many superlative claims from me, but this would be the exception.  I have seen this happen with my own eyes, and now I’m sharing exactly how YOU CAN DO THE SAME…all in one neatly packaged audio session.

 

 It’s all part of the ever-expanding Virtuosity program.  Find out more at:  http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/virtuosity

 

Now on to this week’s newsletter…

 

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THAT “TALK TO CHILDREN” VOICE

 

 

I was visiting earlier today with yet another new friend of mine who will soon be a part of the Virtuosity series.  One of his specialties is body language and “semiotics”… that ultra-cool study of the “signals” we as humans send each other, even unconsciously.  Basically, the real-world truth is that if you can get some of this stuff down it’s like having super powers when it comes to relating to others, especially when it comes to measuring a woman’s interest level.  So this was a truly engaging conversation, without a doubt.

 

So later this afternoon, with my mind tuned in to this subject already, I happened to notice that someone left the TV on again in the living room.  One of those dating reality shows was on, and   in it, something fascinating was happening.   A guy was talking to a woman, apparently attempting to flirt with her. 

 

Nothing new there.  But this was a particularly curious example.

 

The gal was one of those hotties who in MTV production-speak “appears between 18-24”.  As fortune would have it, she was also petite, smiley, and had one of those high-pitched happy-go-lucky voices that tends to make other women’s eyes roll, but to some (if not most) guys represents some sort of innocent, fun “cuteness” that tends to drive them wild.

 

So she was bouncing about her business, with the guy following her around running game on her.

 

And to my utter, complete horror he was talking to her in the same exact tone and inflection that she was using.

 

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I don’ t really think this was that guy’s usual style.  It’s just that when we are wrapped up in pursuing what’s commonly known as “rapport”, we as humans tend to use “mirroring” behaviors as a way of building common ground.  We can do this either consciously or unconsciously.

 

And the thing is, this is typically a GOOD IDEA.  Anyone who has ever been coached ahead of some key face-to-face meeting like, say, a job interview, has been taught this sort of strategy.  You know the drill:  “When the interviewer changes his/her seating position, change yours to the same.”  “When he or she nods, nod also.”  “If the interviewer uses a certain style or cadence of speech, follow his or her example.”  Like I said, this usually affects the intended results (i.e. rapport, trust, etc.) like magic.

 

There’s only one problem with this strategy as it relates to the “dating show” situation above.  And that’s this issue we’ve come to know affectionately as “Igniting Femininity With Masculinity”.

 

If you’re a true grizzled veteran of online dating (relatively speaking), you may remember how Match.com at one time included “baby talk” in its litany of selections under “turn on/turn offs”.  They quickly discontinued it.   This probably had something to do with the fact that 99.999% of all women had it checked as a “turn off”.  Meanwhile, most guys don’t use those ridiculous checkboxes anyway, if they know what’s good for them.   So essentially, it was a moot option.

 

Women can’t stand it when men “baby talk” them.  Following logically, this also means that women probably also can’t stand it when men “mirror” their feminine, “cutie-pie” voice inflection. 

 

Think this doesn’t apply to you?  Check yourself.  It can creep in before you even realize what has happened…to the most masculine of men, no less. 

 

Years ago I used to live in one of those apartment complexes with the notoriously thin walls.  Beside me lived a city police officer and his wife, who happened to fit the aforementioned MTV girl’s persona fairly closely.  On weekend mornings, I’d wake up not to sounds of orgasmic pleasure from other side but rather to plaintive, sweet wailings of “C’mon honeeee….puh-leeeze?  Don’t you want meeee?  Why don’t you want to tryyy thaaat???  Awwww….c’mon….Whyyy nawwwt??”  You guessed it.  It was HIS voice, not HERS.  And this guy seemed like a decent enough man when I saw him around…he was a cop for Heaven’s sake.

 

Well, it wasn’t long before she kicked him out.  Go figure.  But in his mind, my guess is that he didn’t even realize how he sounded.  He was just relating to his wife in a manner that to him signaled rapport.

 

So how do we as guys get so blind to this?  Maybe it has to do with the fact that we talk to small children like this all the time.  And puppies.  I guess.   Hey, it was good for Mr. Rogers, so that must be how it’s done.  Every guy who doesn’t have kids of his own—or even nephews and nieces—basically goes “Fred Rogers” on every little kid he meets due to sheer lack of practice.  And yeah, that’s a particularly large number of us guys, isn’t it?

 

My own personal epiphany on this issue came a couple of years ago when my then five-year-old daughter was living with me full-time.  One of my female friends noted that I essentially talked like Justin B. Frenzione (see “Nice Guys Need Love Tooooo” Comedy-Cast on iTunes) to her.   I responded by stating, “Well she’s a kid…so I talk to her like a kid.”   Female Friend didn’t miss a beat in retorting with, “Yeah well, I’m a cute redhead in a sundress but I don’t hear you talking to me like you’re…um…a cute redhead in a sundress.”

 

Indeed. 

 

So I tried talking to my daughter in the same tone of voice I speak in to everyone else…even if the subject matter itself is slightly different.   The result?  No more discipline issues.  The kid has almost super-human self-confidence.  And I’m basically her hero, or so she tells me.

 

But this isn’t about parenting, it’s about YOU pulling wild success with cute redheads in sundresses.  Just like my daughter needed a DAD, even the petite cuties want a MAN.  This means that you keep your identity in check and resist every urge to “mirror” her inflections or (need I say this?) her mannerisms.   Keep your identity as a MAN intact that you’ve been deserving what you want with elsewhere.  She’ll respond powerfully.  Either that, or if she has a similar problem she’ll start talking to you in a gruff voice with her eyebrows furrowed.

 

I saw your reaction to that last statement.   Yikers.  It sort of puts everything in perspective.   Men love women.  Women love men.  Deserve.

 

Be Good,

Scot

 

 

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TEN-PLUS DIRECT COACHING = GUARANTEED GREATNESS:  More and more of you are calling us, and the theme is a recurring one:  You’re doing OKAY with the opposite sex, but now it’s time to GO FOR THE VERY BEST level imaginable.  You know this requires specialized attention and you will settle for nothing less than a fine-tuned, personal plan for identifying and deserving the greatest person you’ve ever met.   If this sounds familiar, then schedule some time with Emily and/or me ASAP.  Take a look at http://www.dating-coaches.com .  Schedule at your convenience regardless of time zone.  Results are guaranteed.

 

 

 

YESSIREE…A NEW X & Y ON THE FLY:  We know you liked that episode about the “Battle Of The Flowers”, so now we hit another subject mano-a-mano with a big heavy hammer:  “Who’s Got It Harder When It Comes To Dating, Men Or Women?”  Prepare for surprises ahead.  Subscribe to the podcast on iTunes:   http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?id=162722277  …or get it from the feed at http://feeds.feedburner.com/xyonthefly .  And MAD THANKS to all of you for putting us on the very front page of iTunes’ “Health/Self-Help” section worldwide.

 

 

 

FINALLY…A NEW ONLINE DATING PROFILE RATING (#19):  Hit iTunes at http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?id=213484722 or the feed at http://feeds.feedburner.com/thechickwhisperer .  Get to know Cameron by visiting http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/cameron and get your hands on his great book. 

 

 

 

THE CHICK WHISPERER #14:  Cameron Teone and I talk about “Pickup, Seduction…And THEN What?”  You do not want to miss this episode, and you won’t as long as you hit iTunes at http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?id=218155493 or the feed at http://feeds.feedburner.com/thechickwhisperer .  Get to know Cameron by visiting http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/cameron and get your hands on one of the most refreshingly different e-books out there.  And thanks again to all of YOU for your support in putting this podcast on the front page WORLDWIDE also, only this time in iTunes’ “Health/Alternative Health” section.

 

 

 

RECOMMENDED READING:  We’ve put all of the expanded works from our friends and frequent collaborators in one place.  Find Carlos Xuma, Joseph Matthews, Michael The Dating Wizard, Marie Forleo, 000Relationships, Michael “Mr. Romance” Webb, Dave M., Stephen Nash, Master The Vibe, Grant Adams, Mimi Tanner, Martin Merrill, and MORE all in one place.  Conveniently, we’ve written concise reviews of everything.  http://www.dating-resources.net is the place.

 

 

 

EMILY’S “KEYS TO BLISS” NEWSLETTER:   You can still join the phenomenon that is Emily’s newsletter by sending a blank email to emily@aweber.com.  No subject or text is necessary.  Joining will not affect your membership to this newsletter.   Incidentally, Emily is 8 months pregnant these days but cranking out newsletters (and podcasts) as well as she can.   BY THE WAY…Look for NEW STUFF for women from Emily in the VERY near future!

 

 

 

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X & Y Communications is dedicated to making you the most skilled participant in the dating world you can be, at whatever stage of life you are in.  It’s all about straight talk about the most creative subjects, somehow encompassing moral principles while being neither too shy nor too judgmental to hit the important things head on.  The basic stuff you’ve heard a million times isn’t rehashed around here.  Enjoy!

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