VIRTUOSITY UPDATE:  Last week I announced the long-awaited “advanced series” for men, and feedback so far has been amazing.  I can tell that this is precisely the direction that many guys have wanted things to go.  You are ready for the most complete toolkit possible for the job of transformation into a great man who deserves great women. 

 

Many of your questions have been focused on the section of VIRTUOSITY in which I am inviting a hand-picked cadre of the very best “white hat” experts to join me for discussions that highlight certain very advanced areas.  I originally wanted to keep the guest list a surprise for the time being, but enough of you were dead set on finding out who was on board that I’m spilling the beans.  The list of confirmed guests already includes (in no particular order):  Carlos Xuma, Brent S. (of DYD fame), Sebastian Drake, Christian Hudson, Marie Forleo, Sean Stephenson, Frank P. Kermit, Will H. (also of DYD fame), AJ & Jordon (Pickup Podcast), Rion Williams, Joseph W. South, Brad Finsilver, Armin “Mr. Dad” Brott, Nick Shane, Robert Martin (on dating famous women), and Austin, TX blues musician Bruce James (on the not-so-obvious attraction secrets of artists and musicians).  There are more on the way.  I am already amazed at how excited some of my peers are about having been counted as part of this group.  Indeed, I’m only including those who I know for a fact to be centered on helping men be the absolute best they can be. 

 

Find out more about VIRTUOSITY at http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/virtuosity (www.deservewhatyouwant.com/virtuosity).  And as you’d expect from me, I’ve got the pre-release discount working for you ahead of the September 30^th release date.

 

And now to this week’s topic…a thought provoking one:

 

 

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And You May Ask Yourself, “Well, How Did I Get Here?

 

 

“And you may ask yourself, ‘Well, how did I get here?’  …This is not my beautiful house.  …This is not my beautiful wife!’”

 

--“Once In A Lifetime”, Talking Heads

 

 

Today we’re going to mix things up a bit.  Typically in this space I’ll either write about some original point I’ve not heard discussed elsewhere, or I’ll respond to your questions and comments.

 

Today I’m going to do both.  The truth is that I received a letter a couple days ago from a woman that was so poignant that I feel it warrants an entire newsletter to address.  Here’s how it goes:

 

 

Hello Scot,

 

Thank you for all the help and information in your regular e-mails over the past couple months.  They have been really helpful. 

 

Here is my question today:

 

A little background first.  My boyfriend and I have been dating for 1 year and 9 months.  Anyway, in April of this year he brought up the subject of moving in together--in fact, he brought up the idea of us buying a house together.  For about 2 months that was what we were planning on doing until he told me (out of nowhere) that he didn't think we should move in together anymore.  He came up with lots of excuses, like he wasn't sure if he morally believes in it, his family wouldn't like it (they are very religious), he thought it would put too much negative stress on our relationship, and he didn't think it was the right time to do that.

 

What are your thoughts on this situation? 

 

When he told me he had changed his mind I was devastated and I think I lost a lot of trust in him.  Also, I think I am still angry and distrusting of him now as I find myself getting angry at him very easily now for things I never would have before.  I also find myself kind of uneasy around him now as I worry what he will tell me next, almost like I am expecting him to disappoint me at every turn.  I don't like feeling like this and I don't like feeling angry at him.  Also, he doesn't even realize that this is how I feel. What should I do? 

 

Anyway, something else that is bothering me is that my boyfriend has never really brought up the idea of marriage or kids.  We have almost been dating for 2 years and I don't really know if he wants marriage and kids in his life one day.  I assume he does since he comes from a religious family that considers marriage important.  He has never specifically said that he wants to get married.  Also I guess what I want to hear from him is that marriage and kids are something he wants and that he can see those things happening with me.  How do I bring this up with him without freaking him out??  Also, do you think it's a good idea to bring this stuff up at this point in our relationship??  If he doesn't want these things I want to know now so that I don't waste my time on a relationship where we don't have the same long-term goals.

 

Thank you very much for all your help.  Sorry this is so long but I wanted to put lots of detail into it.

 

Jennifer

 

 

Most of you out there, I’m sure, are already throwing soda cans and rotten veggies at your computer monitors.

 

Yeah, I know…there’s an obvious issue here. 

 

Rest assured that I’m not going to lull you to sleep by simply stating that these two have a profound communication problem.  Also, I invite you to suspend your disbelief that he’s even interested in marrying her someday.  Instead, feel free to throw your hands up in the air and ponder with me:  “How on Earth do two people date for almost two friggin’ years and not ever have THAT STUFF EVEN COME UP?”

 

The answer to that question struck me almost immediately upon reading the email, and has haunted me for 48 hours.  The truth is that it’s so blasted easy to get into a situation like Jennifer’s that it’s no wonder at all, really, that it goes on…a lot.  Maybe even in your life. 

 

So how DID those two manage to avoid major questions of basic worldview and compatibility for THAT LONG?  And more importantly, what 20/20 hindsight is there that could have prevented this?

 

Fortuitously, my good friend and “white-hat” par excellence Sebastian Drake (http://www.thechickwhisperer.com/vibe) and I had just finished an epic discussion on “relationship management” for the VIRTUOSITY series.  So it was easy to discern that Jennifer’s boyfriend had “failed to deploy” in that exact area.

 

And it’s not that he’s a bad guy.  The issue is that he prepared himself with an excellent strategy for his first couple dates or so with Jennifer.  And he sort of never adjusted those strategies as the relationship progressed.

 

That’s not a good plan.

 

Last week you’ll remember we answered an email from a guy who tends to sabotage his first conversations with women by talking about deep stuff like politics, religion, etc.  And just like I’d say to the woman who stereotypically asks about kids and marriage on the first date, you absolutely want to avoid “long term” or “heavy” discussions for the first couple of dates.   Keeping things light as you are just getting to know one another helps build comfort and keeps people from creeping each other out.

 

But here’s the danger there.  Sebastian and I were in agreement during our VIRTUOSITY discussion that it’s inevitable that a couple who starts a relationship will form habits in their interaction together that will likely last as long as the relationship itself does.  By as soon as a couple of weeks in, the couple could already have a pattern of thought and/or behavior in place that is set to repeat itself indefinitely.  And if that pattern is not dealt with and adjusted if need be at that time, at around the six-month mark those habits are all but indelibly stamped on the relationship.

 

I often discuss with coaching clients the more readily observable ways this factor tends to present itself.  For example, if you and your new friend go back to the apartment to “chill and watch movies” for two or three dates in a row early on you may find yourself doing ONLY THAT all the time.  You’ll be in a rut, and the relationship will get boring.

 

Pretty deep stuff, isn’t this?  But hang in there with me.  This is potentially life-altering insight for many of you.

 

Notice that Jennifer is utterly nonplussed (like we are) as to how this all never got talked about.  She is wondering if it’s “okay” to even address the important subjects with her boyfriend without “freaking him out”.  She has been ready and willing to hit the hard questions all along, but her boyfriend has FAILED TO LEAD in that area.  Ever since the first few dates—when it was okay to set the important stuff on the back burner—he has not modified the flow of the conversation in the relationship.  Two dates turned into three dates…into six dates…into six months.  The important ideas never got talked about.  For whatever reason, Jennifer’s boyfriend preferred to keep his head in the sand regarding the major compatibility questions rather than open the conversation.  And that was how the relationship was cemented.  They’re indeed in a “rut” there, or as Sebastian would say the “precedent was set”.

 

Is it that he’s insecure about losing her?  Perhaps…after all he originally went against his basic moral code regarding moving in together before reversing himself.  Even this reversal was met with a lack of communication, wasn’t it?  Meanwhile, Jennifer is offering a breathtaking demonstration of exactly how important it is to a woman for a man to show leadership skill.  Could she have chimed in on this stuff a lot earlier?  Sure.  But what she wants is a MAN.  A MAN who can lead.  A MAN who can make decisions and give her a secure feeling in his presence.  His lack of leadership in managing the relationship has morphed into what appears to be utter lack of courage in dealing with important questions that will define the viability of the entire relationship.  And nearly two years into this, he is showing no signs of getting out of the “rut”.

 

Still at Square One, basically, Jennifer is left to finally stand up and say “enough is enough”, as long as it’s, uh… “okay” (???) to do so.

 

Relationship management skill is all-important.  And the time to consider what all is entailed is BEFORE you meet someone you want to share a significant amount of your life with.  This is a major key to the “big picture” of deserving what you want.   So much so that we’ll be focusing on it not only in that VIRTUOSITY discussion but also in the September Power Session program.

 

Be Good,

Scot

 

 

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FREE CONFERENCE CALL FOR GUYS WITH CARLOS XUMA AND ME:   This is TOMORROW NIGHT, Wednesday August 29^th at 9pm EDT/6pm.  The subject will be “sexual communication”.  As was the case last time, only 200 can get in on the actual live bridge so be sure to sign up now:  http://www.mensdatingadvice.com/dating-tips-attract-women-confidence.htm   Carlos and I both have special gifts for attendees.

 

 

 

SHARPEN UP YOUR ONLINE DATING SKILLS:   We’re running a “back to school” sale on our Online Dating Success Package.  It’s back to $167, and still includes complete training on how to evaluate prospects and write emails along with the profile overhaul.  Start the fall season out right.  It’s all at the newly-updated http://www.datetoorder.com (www.datetoorder.com).

 

 

 

SNIPPETS FROM THE DAVID DEANGELO “DATING GURUS” INTERVIEW:   I have secured the right to use clips from my interview with David D. on my websites.  If you never got the chance to get your hands on that interview, this is the next best thing.  Most of the product pages now have streaming audio available on them, including:  http://www.romantic-dinner.com, http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/men, http://www.wildsuccess.net, and http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/powersessions/men.  Enjoy.

 

 

 

WHERE DO I START?:   Yes, it’s true.  We really do have a lot going on around here, don’t we?  Several (make that dozens) of you have started asking where to start with it all.   My evening project a couple of days ago was this page: http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/roadmap (www.deservewhatyouwant.com/roadmap).  On it you’ll find a logical flow of all the cool stuff we offer, starting with the free stuff.

 

 

 

AFFILIATE PROGRAM:   It never occurred to me to mention this in the newsletter until two of you asked about it last week.  If you run a website that is related to dating and relationships in any way, we absolutely to have a killer affiliate program and would love to have you be a part of it.  Find out more at http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/affiliates (www.deservewhatyouwant.com/affiliates).

 

 

 

YOUTUBE:    Episode 5 of  “The Chick Whisperer TV” show is now on YouTube at: http://www.youtube.com/group/datingadvice (www.youtube.com/group/datingadvice). 

 

 

 

EMILY’S “KEYS TO BLISS” NEWSLETTER:   The list is building fast.  Sign up for that by sending email to emily@aweber.com.  No subject or text is necessary.  Joining will not affect your membership to this newsletter.   Emily sent out her latest edition yesterday.

 

 

                                                                                                                                                                                          

 

 

Did a friend forward you this message?  To receive this free newsletter on 21^st century dating issues from X & Y Communications on a regular basis, simply go to http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com, drop your email in the annoying popup window, and download “Get What You Deserve” for free.  Or, just email xandy@aweber.com.  Easy stuff.

 

Questions?  Ideas?  Comments?  Send to questions@xandycommunications.net.  Your feedback is welcome.  If you like what you read, please feel free to forward the newsletter to others.  That’s how we build our audience.

 

 

X & Y Communications is dedicated to making you the most skilled participant in the dating world you can be, at whatever stage of life you are in.  It’s all about straight talk about the most creative subjects, somehow encompassing moral principles while being neither too shy nor too judgmental to hit the important things head on.  The basic stuff you’ve heard a million times isn’t rehashed around here.  Enjoy!

Please also note that the information in this newsletter is for entertainment purposes only and is not intended to constitute professional advice.