READER QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS

 

 

VIRTUOSITY:  Today I am announcing the long-awaited advanced series for men.  VIRTUOSITY is designed to powerfully solve questions we as guys are *actually* asking, and issues we *actually* deal with in the real world.  I’ve invited just about every “white hat” expert in the field to be a part of this program with me.  The end result is an unprecedented collection of highly focused wisdom directed squarely at helping you complete your transformation into a man who attracts the greatest women on Earth.  As such, I firmly believe that VIRTUOSITY lives up to its name.  Familiarize yourself with VIRTUOSITY at http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/virtuosity (www.deservewhatyouwant.com/virtuosity).  I have to warn you, though…be ready.  You know me well enough by now to expect that I am going to deliver more than you are imagining.  Prepare to be amazed and perhaps even overwhelmed.

 

And now on to your questions.  We have some really good ones… 

 

 

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MONOGAM-ITIS?

 

 

Hey Scot,

 

 I'm 26 and I've been listening to you guys for a while. I really like the perspective you and Emily put on things. A lot of these community guys seem to be preaching one night lays and stuff like that. I got into the community to meet that one special girl. By the way, I don't think I'm really hopeless, but I'm definitely a romantic. I usually connect with all the girls I date and they all seem to find me different as in a good guy or the "best kind of guy" as one said. The girl I'm asking for help with says "I'm awesome" and has told her sister (also 18) and her best friend (she's 19) that I could be the one. With that in mind, I hope you can help me figure out a problem I've recently run into.

 

I was dating a few girls, three to be exact (aged 18, 23, 24) and one of them really stood out. The problem is that the one I truly find special is only 18 and her mom doesn't approve of us dating. Her mom said we can still hang out though. The girl told me that she wants to keep seeing me but that we can't officially date because of her mom. We both really like each other a lot and we were exclusive for a short time before her mom found out. It's not like we were hiding it, but I

guess her mom thought we were just friends, when we were really dating. I don't want to lose her completely because we both feel that this could lead to something more (meaning we both feel that each other is the type of person we could end up getting married to, we both know we're not ready for that).

 

I got into the game to find that one special girl, I'm not saying that she is the one, but I would like to be able to truly date her and find out. We both agreed to keep seeing each other but to date other people to kind of test if we really feel as strongly as we feel we do about each other. So I'm probably going to start dating the 24 year old again but I really like the other girl so much more. I plan to get back into the game as well but I'm mainly wanting to know how to approach or maintain the relationship with the 18 year old. I realize it may seem strange because we are several years apart, but we really connect, she's the first girl I've met in the last year or so that I really feel has some long term potential. What help can you give? I know this may sound like one-itis, but it's not like she's the only girl I'm seeing, but she is definitely the most amazing, both in personality and beauty. She has a lot of ambition, we share many interests, and it is really amazing just holding hands, hugging, talking, kissing, the simple things, you know?  Well, I'll leave it at that. Thanks Scot, I truly appreciate any help you can give. 

 

Steve

 

 

Hello Steve: 

 

OK, for starters don't allow yourself to be brainwashed by the same crowd you've been reading "one night lay" stuff from.  "Oneitis" is not to be confused with "Monogamy".  You would think that ending up with one woman--no matter how sharp--would be the greatest tragic loss one's manhood could possibly hope to endure based on how some of these guys talk.

 

Yet...a long-term relationship with one exceptionally great woman most of us (including you and I) really want. 

 

"Oneitis" is best defined as an irrational focus on a chick who typically isn't reciprocating the feelings.  "Monogamy" is EXERCISING YOUR RIGHT as a man with options to select a clear standout from the crowd.  Do you see the position of strength and reason there vs. one of irrationality and weakness?

 

So yes...picking the one woman who is clearly better than others is never a problem, as long as you are not being "pressured" and you have total control over the matter.

 

Now the fact that she is only 18 is not in and of itself an issue, but the fact that her Mom is in the picture is.  In theory she can make her own decisions as a legal adult in matters like dating.  In reality, as long as she is under Mom's roof Mom is going to make the rules.

 

If you think that sound’s brutal, imagine being the 30-year-old male version of what we're talking about here.  I can't imagine it...but it goes on.

 

He or she who wants freedom needs to fly away from the nest.  Until the one you are asking about does, you are living by Mom's rules.

At least that's the pragmatic answer.  The other side of this equation is that the Mom in this case is leaving an opening, saying you can 'hang out'.  Surely she knows the real deal here as far as what's going on between you two.  BUT...from your email it appears you have her daughter's best intentions at heart and are truly making every effort to do the right thing always.  This tends to win moms over...big time.

 

So the net-net of it is that I think there's a "civil war" going on with Mom.  She feels that she at least has to recite the "party line" of keeping her precious "little girl" away from "older men" for the sake of decorum, but deep down my guess is that she sort of likes you.

 

And at the end of the day, 8 years is just not a huge difference, y'all.

 

The difference, however, MAY come when your girl matures some.  Make sure your eyes are open wide to the fact that she is likely to be A LOT different by the time she is the age you are  now.  That can cause real issues of compatibility that cannot be ignored.

 

 

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SETTLING FOR PERFECTION

 

 

Hi Scot,

 

I want to start by saying that I certainly believe in what you are "preaching" to us singles folks....DONT SETTLE!

 

But I have to ask.  Is there ever a situation where someone's "list of requirements" or better said, “the type of partner that a person is looking for” is unrealistic?

 

I mean I have girlfriends who want what seems to be an impossible/unrealistic man...financially stable, earns good income so that he can take care of his family, good looking, has all his hair, tall, smart, funny, romantic, can cook, owns a home or can afford one, doesn't already have children, lives near by, has a great family, cultural, social, dances, outgoing, kind, affectionate, has retirement account, nice friends, adventurous, good lover, isn’t cheap.

 

And they want this from ONE man.  All these things are good things and it's fair to want them in a partner.  But is it realistic to expect to find someone who possess all of these qualities and thus making a woman say, “Well I may want these things but it is impossible to find them in ONE man so I will take the closest man to my ‘ideal’ man.”  Would that be settling?

 

Or should a woman be thinking, “Well I am not going to settle for anything less.”  And possibly remain alone the rest of her life?  All in the name of NOT settling?

 

I guess what I want to know is....where do we draw the line between "settling" and being realistic?

 

Thanks,

 

Jessie

 

 

Great question, Jessie. 

For better or worse, I have a very elegant answer for you.

Anyone...man or woman...has got to deserve what he or she wants.  If you immediately assume your ideal as "impossible" or "unrealistic", then you are already "settling"…on auto-pilot no less.  If you do nothing...you get nothing.  On the flip side, If you do what it takes to become a person who is exactly what the person of your dreams is dreaming of, then you will find it. 

Now, here's the twist--and it may make perfect sense to you.  Anyone with a pragmatically objective "checklist"--especially such a stereotypical one as you delineated--is still far from deserving what he or she wants.  Why?  Because although all those things are nice, dating lots of people and taking careful note of what you like and don't like tends to be a real eye-opener.  Some of the universally revered traits you’ve always assumed were the piece-parts of a great partner tend to “fade into Bolivian”, as Mike Tyson would say, as you actually go out and meet people.  Going forward, as you gain a first-hand perspective on what you REALLY like in a person things you previously never even considered tend to show up and present themselves as important.

The end result?  "Perfect imperfection".  And it rocks.

One clarification I've probably never made before:  YES...the goal is to DESERVE what you WANT.  But the true magic of taking that mandate seriously is that one day you really do wake up and realize something profound...you've made it to the point where you WANT what you DESERVE.   That's the realization that makes one thankful for not having thrown in the towel early in the game.

Think about it...but not too hard.  It's a more obvious concept than it sounds.  Here's a hint:  How come even "perfect" Hollywood movie stars usually end up divorced?  Hells bells...I'd be miserable if I was married to someone "perfect". 

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THE POLITICS OF APPROACHING WOMEN

 

 

Hey Scot

 

A big shout-out for your Chick Whisperer show with Sebastian.  I really enjoyed it, and I listened to it a few times. 

 

I do have a follow-up question, of course.  I have been having great conversations with girls when I go out, but quite a lot of the times they just end up being good conversations and nothing more.  Is there any way to avoid that, or is it just a reflection of the fact that there really isn't that much attraction there?  Basically, how do you infuse sexuality more into the convo?  When things get really interesting, my academic/nerdy/political side comes out and while I enjoy it immensely I think other elements of what I'm trying to give off get neglected. 

 

Any suggestions?

 

David in Israel

 

 

David, man...NO POLITICS when you're talking to a woman for the first time.  Or religion.  Or STDs.  Or sports.  Are you with me?  The only thing worse than boring her is debating with her.  Solution?  You talk about her...and you let HER TALK, just like my man Seb said. 

 

I don’t believe that infusing sexuality into the conversation is your answer…at least not directly.   You are infusing MASCULINITY, CONFIDENCE and most of all...you are LISTENING and giving her well-placed APPROVAL she craves, without demanding any of your own.  Lean back, be cool...and when you are done get her digits (or e-mail).  It'll happen that way.  You must make her comfortable in your presence.

 

Think James Bond, not Menachem Begin.  LOL

 

By the way, I feel your pain.  I remember letting my geeky intelligence get the best of me when chatting up women.

 

 

[NOTE:  For those of you out there who haven’t caught The Chick Whisperer podcast yet, do so at http://www.xandycommunications.net/main/tcw.htm.  And, while I’m at it more about Sebastian Drake can be found here:  http://www.thechickwhisperer.com/vibe ]

 

 

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BY WAY OF CLARIFICATION…

 

 

Emily!    :)

 

Doubtless clear-eyed and beautiful Emily!   :)

 

“P.S.  Did you happen to hear about us through

one of our podcasts?”

 

Divine one.   I wouldn't know what a pod-thingy is!

 

A group of vertebrates swimming around making intelligent squeeking noises?

 

San Antonio.   That was stolen from the Mexicans, wasn't it??    :)

 

A desert country??   :)

 

But i like your thinking  :)

 

A service for upscale, intellingent, thinking persons.

 

Well done!   :)   And my best wishes!!    :)

 

Mayhaps we could do a joint-promo with my naughty poetry  :)

 

I'll send yuh some!

 

Kiss!

 

A in Singapore

 

 

Hmmm, A.

 

Well yes, Emily doesn’t doubt much.  That I’ll own up to. 

 

But the rest of this letter pretty much serves to demonstrate why I put a P.O. box at the bottom of these newsletters instead of a physical address, huh?

 

 

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Be Good,

Scot

 

 

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REMINDER:  FREE CONFERENCE CALL WITH CARLOS XUMA:  The first one rocked, so the second one is happening NEXT WEDNESDAY, party people.  The subject will be “sexual communication”, which is a rare chance to hear my typically PG-13 self talk about this subject.  I know CX has some terrific material here also.  As was the case last time, only 200 can get in on the actual live bridge so be sure to sign up now at  http://www.mensdatingadvice.com/dating-tips-attract-women-confidence.htm and submit your questions early. Tee time for this round is at 9pm EDT/6pm PDT on Wednesday, August 29^th.

 

 

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NEW PODCAST--“DATINGCAST”:  Briefer and therefore faster.  The obviously-named “DatingCast” is up to episode NINE already RIGHT NOW on iTunes under “Health/Self-Help” (the erstwhile home of XYothF).  I can’t believe this show has already appeared in the worldwide Top 25 under “Self-Help” at least twice already.  That’s insane. 

 

 

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