Reader Questions And Comments
Coach Dumas
Hey Scot -
Here's a good line for you. Found
this one today.
"I like entelligent women. Big turn
on. I am a college grad. and make my living coaching."
Unfortunately intelligent women don't like
him because he's such an [expletive deleted].
L-TX
Ah yes…a variation on the
all too common “I want an intelligant woman” line. One of my personal favorite running jokes. Did you thank him for reminding you to be
turned on? And to think, he’s a college
grad. This reminds me, I should have
mentioned the line I once saw about being a “collage grad” in the section of
the book about hilarious lines from online profiles. Is that like “piecing together” an education? LOL
The All-Important
Question When It Comes To Online Dating
Could you help me on an issue.
A friend of mine needs to know...
Dear [female]
When you write an e-mail to a girl on a
personals site, what does she want to hear to make your mail stand out from all
the others?
Signed,
[male]
I'm not really sure…
J-OH
I believe it is disarmingly
easy to do this. Your friend is on the right track by knowing his email
must stand out. The overwhelming majority of online daters, as i'm sure
you know, do not. This is unquestionably the most important aspect of writing
first emails to women online.
There is a lot to share here,
and your friend may want to consider some phone time with me to discuss
it. If he wants to increase response I can guarantee results.
Here are a few things he can
do NOW to see a difference, but this is just the tip of the iceberg:
1)
Subject line: Use "Re:" followed by something interesting
lifted verbatim from her profile. NEVER, EVER use "Hi" or
"Hello". My personal research
shows that OVER 50% of men fail before their email is even opened because their
subject line is either “Hi” or “Hello”.
2)
Keep it brief...this says all the right things.
3)
Make the tone of the email such that you are qualifying her, rather than trying
to impress her. Never let it come off as a foregone conclusion that you
are already "interested".
4)
Don't sound creepy or weird. If in doubt, don't say it.
5)
Use descriptive, creative words. Avoid any phrase you've seen in three or
more other profiles.
6)
Project masculinity and confidence AT ALL TIMES.
All of the above could be
elaborated upon and will require personalization based on the unique attributes
of who your friend is as a person. Again, I recommend a
consultation. Remember: Women get TONS of emails and don't have
time to even OPEN half of them, let alone consider a response. Making the
change represented in the first point alone will get tangible results.
Is your friend on my
newsletter list?
Stay Or
Run Away / Changing Someone Redux
Scot,
I know I can always count on
you for good advice. I'm glad Emily and you are doing well.
How do you help someone you
love come to the realization that they have a problem with alcohol or any other
substance abuse? Will they ever come to take responsibility for
themselves and stop blaming those around them who truly are trying to help and
love him dearly? I have to take a stand for my own self worth.
Do I walk away? Do I stay? I
know that the verbal and mental abuse will always be there until they get help
with their problem. I know I don't deserve any of that. How can I
help without them feeling like I'm turning my back on them?
Thank you.
M-IN
What a great
question, and one that so many people—men and women—have to face.
First of all,
I’m not going to pretend that I am a crisis intervention counselor or a medical
doctor. I am not. That said, there is a key thing that must be
understood before all else. Alcoholism
is a DISEASE, not a “drinking problem”.
In fact, drinking is but a symptom of the condition, the clinical
diagnosis of which covers the tendency for the alcoholic to blame others for
his or her own actions. This is by
definition the epitome of “mind games”, and alcoholics are invariably
blamers. There have even been declared
instances of “dry alcoholism”, where all classic symptoms of alcoholism are
present, except the person doesn’t abuse alcohol.
Now, to
directly answer your question. Although
every situation is different, I see situations very similar to yours all the
time.
You have
probably heard the psychobabble term “co-dependent” before. You appear to be on the trail to becoming
such yourself. When this happens, your
life has basically become dysfunctional as a result of dealing with the verbal
or even physical abuse, accompanied by the subsequent blame and guilt trips, of
the alcoholic. This causes you to feel
directly responsible for this other person’s well being.
You are NOT responsible.
Everyone in
life is responsible for his or her own decisions. The hard fact is that you CANNOT change this person without his
consent.
One of the
concepts I mention in the book “Deserve What You Want” is how it is easy to
tell if someone’s behavior toward you is unacceptable by simply applying the
“Golden Rule” in reverse. Would you
EVER IN A MILLION YEARS treat another person the way you are being
treated? If not, then you have no
obligation to endure what is being done to you.
You DO NOT
deserve what you are getting.
I sense from
your letter that you really have already answered your own question, and are
looking for support. Well, I’ll give it
to you. You hit the proverbial nail on
the head when you said you “have to make a stand for your self-esteem”. Assuming you are dating this person and not
married to him, LEAVE. DO IT NOW.
Even if you are married to this guy, serving an ultimatum is the right
thing to do. If there are children
involved, this is especially critical.
I realize that leaving is harder to do the longer the relationship
lasts, and it is unfortunate that all of this has come out only after you have
become emotionally attached.
You are
absolutely correct in everything you say about the abuse remaining until this
person takes personal responsibility for his actions. And as I’m sure you know from stories about how others have
related to recovering alcoholics, it’s a lifelong battle that you will be
positioned to share all the pain in should you choose to stay.
Please refer
to the newsletter from June 13th entitled “Run Away 101”, and the
following one from June 20th called “The Challenge Of Changing
Someone”. Both, conveniently enough,
address exactly what you are dealing with here in greater detail. Equally conveniently, they have both been
restored to the “Archives” section at www.deservewhatyouwant.com. Podcast Episode One also covers addictions
in detail, and Emily has some great insight.
That’s also a free download from the website.
One last
thought. In the book there is a section
about how to know when someone is being inappropriate on a date. A key principle applies here. When you are not being RESPECTED, you are
getting less than you deserve, as you’ve already figured out. And nobody wants to be disrespected. By being a respectful woman, which I sense
you are, you indeed DESERVE WHAT YOU WANT.
Let that empower you to make the changes you need to. And I wish you all the best.
Letter
From The UK
Hey
Scot,
Just
read your book (deserve what you want).
I
can't remember where I got it as I have 65 trillion things on my computer
but I have to say that it was VERY IMPRESSIVE!
I
would like to see some more of your stuff, do you have a website? I have coached dating and have a site:
datinganswers.co.uk
BUT... it will be soon transformed into a site that only recommends the best
dating products I have found as I wish to venture into other areas and would
like to leave the site up as an affiliate type 'one stop shop' for people to
make an informed choice about the best quality dating products.
I have spent the last two years looking for products for my new site and
have seen it all!
I have a shortlist of only about half a dozen products that I will be
putting on the site and since reading your book, would like to put you in my
site on either the first or second spot (homepage intro).
Bro, you rock.
Grant
[Note to readers: Grant Finlayson
sent me this email and we have become friends.
He has a fantastic outlook on life and his work regarding dating and
relationships is absolutely super. Any
readers of this newsletter in Europe should definitely take a look at http://www.datinganswers.co.uk.]
Podcast Kudos From A Dating
Coach In South Africa
Hey
Scot
I
loved your third podcast. And those points about the Seduction
Community very valid and accurate.
Anyway
I'm going to rewrite my coaching program to be more inline with
what I've learnt from you. I'm coaching a 34 year old women at the moment and
its difficult because she's so successful and yet guys leave her and marry
someone else. And she's muslim! So she would like to marry a muslim guy.
There's a big muslin community in South Africa, mostly in Cape Town. And she
and I live in Johannesburg, about 2 hours flight away. And on top of it all
she's Nigerian so that's limiting her choice.
Thanks,
Ramon Thomas—Dating
Coach, South Africa
Hey Ramon. Glad you
liked the podcast. Emily and I are working on making them even better
with music and so forth. She really started opening up on this last one,
which was cool!
I can only imagine the issues
your client must be facing. It sounds
like the culture there is complex. I am
sure you are exactly the guy to help your client. It looks like the concept of sharp and successful women having a
hard time dating translates into reality all over the world, doesn’t it? In any
case, it makes my day to know i'm helping people all over the world!
[Note to readers: Ramon’s website is http://ramonthomas.com.]
Back In The
Game
How can I heal myself....not want to call him....not to be worried
about him...have him make me feel bad for not being there for him?
Anonymous—Parts Unknown
That’s easy…GET BACK OUT THERE!
Once you have broken off a relationship the single most important thing
you can do is start dating again. If
you sit alone analyzing the situation, not only are you more likely to
gravitate towards negative thoughts given how recent the hurt is, you will be
training yourself to stay home rather than to go back to socializing.
In motocross, riders often crash trying particular jumps or
sections that they’ve successfully cleared many times before. It hurts when this happens. A key principle of that sport is to walk off
the sting and try the section again IMMEDIATELY before fear sets in. In fact it’s best to do the section TEN TIMES
in a row just to make sure the rider remains confident.
In this case, there’s a dating lesson to be learned from motocross.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
X & Y Communications is
dedicated to making you the most skilled participant in the dating world you
can be, at whatever stage of life you are in.
It’s all about straight talk about the most creative subjects, somehow
encompassing faith-based principles while being neither too shy nor too
judgmental to hit the important things head on. The stuff you’ve heard a million times isn’t rehashed around
here. Enjoy!
Please also note that the information in this newsletter
is for entertainment purposes only and is not intended to constitute
professional advice.
info@xandycommunications.net