Reader Questions And Comments

 

 

 

Have You Visited Our Updated Testimonials Page?   By now you may have already figured out that our approach to dating success is at a completely different level compared to what you’ve heard elsewhere.  If you have been wondering at all if our book Deserve What You Want, the Power Sessions series and/or our Ten-Plus coaching program truly deliver the goods you need not simply take our word for it.  The multitude of quotes contributed by many of you demonstrating powerful success do all the talking.  Read as much as you have time for at http://www.xandycommunications.net/main/buzz.htm (www.xandycommunications.net/main/buzz.htm).   And when you are done, grab your own portion of success by getting your very own copy of Deserve What You Want along with four bonuses—including a free month of Power Sessions, if you’d like—at http://www.dating-advise.us/page1 (http://www.dating-advise.us/page1).  Best of all, get all that for $12.97 with this coupon for 35% off good until Friday at midnight EDT:  “success35”.   Simply enter it in the “code” field when ordering.  Cheers!

 

And now, on to your e-mails…

 

 

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“RELATIONSHIP COUNCILING”

 

 

Scot,

 

I've been very close to this woman who is on our city council and I am in an administrative position with the city.  We have been e-mailing a lot since December and have gotten together a few times for coffee.  She had been showing high interest level, strong body language, etc.  After one meeting she said we just seem to e-mail each other but don't get any face-to-face time.  So I asked her to go for a hamburger and take a walk in the park.  She said yes but then said she was unavailable after all but wanted to do something else later that week.  I e-mailed her and asked what night was she available and she said she would get back with me the next day which she didn't except to comment on what went on at council.  Two days later she e-mailed me to say we would set a new date soon.  I didn't reply.  At the next council meeting I was aloof and she asked me afterwards if I was mad and saying we never talk and I never e-mail her anymore.  We talked briefly and then I went home.  No more e-mails or conversations and at last night’s meeting she seemed mad because I haven't been communicating with her and basically ignoring her.  Did I do right by pulling back?  I get so tired of her flakiness.  She says she wants to have face-to-face time but seems to find ways out of actually getting together.  Is she playing games, is she too inflexible, or just blowing me off?  What do I do now?

 

Ray

 

 

 

Hello Ray:

 

Thanks for your question.

 

Sometimes all of the "tips and tricks and tactics" you learn along the way just get in the way.  Remember, a lot of what is said in terms of giving her space, not calling, etc. is designed to create interest on her part as opposed to having you appear needy and/or desperate.

 

When the woman is actually ALREADY interested, ignoring her and not calling her back is viewed as disinterest.  That's what's driving her feelings, which she has been very clear about.  No "decoder ring" necessary here.

 

Two things to understand here.  First, you initially showed interest also, then "pulled back" as you said...largely because she took her time in getting back to you.  Many times when women feel they are showing too much interest that is as yet unreciprocated (or at least apparently not), their "desperation conscience" sounds an alarm and tells them to back off a bit lest they smother you.  This is a valid response, of course.  But since the timing of your own pull-back coincided so ideally with hers, she really had no choice but to feel that you had already been pushed away some.  That's why she's disappointed.

 

Based on your story it really only looks like she has had to reschedule once.  Since there isn’t a clear pattern of flakiness just yet go ahead and get that face-to-face time on the schedule.

 

 

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KEY PHRASE = “I HAVE ALMOST NO CONTROL”

 

 

 

Dear Scot:

 

Why when I’m not trying, females are attracted to me?  To be more specific:  When It don’t think I'm a female’s type and I just talk like I don’t want anything and just offer good convo I tend to attract these females who I thought would not be attracted to me. I wish I could focus that skill when I’m interested in a female that I perhaps think I am her type.  It’s cool when it happens.  But I have almost no control over it.  So I have to be in the zone…so as you guessed im more out of the zone than in. I'm overweight maybe that's one factor.  But what can I do to increase these rare occasions?

 

Authentic. S.

 

 

 

Hey there.

 

Thanks for your question.

 

Basically, you have to start viewing all people--attractive and female or not--as simply HUMAN.  You are letting an agenda of romantic interest get ahead of your natural social skill.  If you begin to form a habit of not pre-qualifying women before meeting them simply on the basis of beauty, your more evaluative attitude will help you interact with them with the same facility as you would others.

 

Possibly, you may also see the "competition" aspect of it.  In other words, you want her approval and either you will “win” it or "lose".  This "win/lose" perspective hamstrings guys all over the world...needlessly.

 

So take heart in this...your natural attitude when you don't "want" someone must be a good one...after all IT WORKS.  That's the hard part; now it's about not psyching yourself out due to your weight, or any other "limiting belief".  After all, you've already proven that your weight doesn't matter.  The ONLY x-factor seems to be your confidence level. 

 

 

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 “NICE GUYS” AND THE WOMEN WHO FEEL OBLIGATED TO THEM

 

 

Hi Scot/ Emily,

 

Congratulations with the newborn baby that is coming.

 

I just finished listening to an interview between you guys with Amy Waterman.

 

Usually I don't ask questions, but I want to... because I am in a dilemma of what to do. I am still wondering if I should be friends (as in normal terms) with an ex, because after we broke up (two years ago) I still want to remain close to him and have kind of a more than friends/less than lover kind of relationship...etc. However, only until recently did I know that he felt that I was using him, rather than he felt good around me. I thought our problem was because I wasn't sure whether we should have sex and it is a long distance relationship.  However, he felt I was ungrateful for the things he had done for me (including I didn't say thank you after he treated me for dinner, never offered to pay)... I thought it was understood between us as we were so close and I always tell him that he looks good (which he is).

 

However, I have recently made a trip to Canada for 8 days (where he lives) and he said that since we are not having sex, he felt weird for me to stay at his condo.  So I moved to another friend's apartment.  However, in the end, when I told him how I felt about him, he said he only used sex as an excuse because he doesn't want me to use him anymore. The reason I wasn't having sex with him is I think all the romantic dinners, all the sweet gestures and sweet talk are kind of a set up... because he didn't used to be like that when I saw him sometimes last year.... so I felt really weird when he comes off like that. 

 

I really felt bad when I look at his most recent e-mails to me...I felt so ashamed and wonder if he actually hates me, why wouldn't he say so directly?  He is very diplomatic…and he doesn't show his feelings much.

 

It is for sure that we cannot have romantic relationship (due to long distance and the misunderstandings...etc). But I felt he is a good person and I felt good around him.

 

I would be very grateful if you can provide me on some perspective on this.  I would want to be married in two years and be as happy as you two.... thanks so much!

 

Btw…Emily has a really cute, sweet girly voice.

 

 

Rhonda

 

[Ed Note:   We edited the content of this e-mail.  Rest assured there was plenty more of the same.]

 

 

 

Hello Rhonda:

 

First and foremost, Emily is a really cute, sweet girlie.  That's why the voice!   And thanks for the congratulations.

 

As for your message...wow...we almost don't know where to start.

 

Almost.

 

First of all, I wish I could bottle up your experience and send it to every single guy out there who thinks that kissing-up to women and spending lots of money on them is going to earn a their love and/or sexual activity.  And look what has happened here; he has earned neither, yet here you are feeling guilty about it.  In a very real way, he went about things all wrong, but that's his issue.  Yours is that you indeed let him do that stuff for you for way too long.  That wasn't fair of you.  [Ed note:  Rhonda also attached an email that alluded to how the guy did her taxes, paid the tax bill, drove her to places like her friends’ weddings and even gave her tuition money.]

 

Now, in all truth, we're having a bit of a time following all the drama here.  You have broken up, but you've been together before and broken up before...or is it that you broke up a full two years ago and this is STILL going on?  He lives far away, yet he was giving you rides to other friends' weddings...  His place, your friend's place...  More friends, less lovers, but still with dinners and sexual pressure.  Wow.

 

There's no way we can make a snap judgment on a relationship that has been going on for over two years given the small amount of info you've given us.  Oh, wait...yes we can:  End This Relationship...NOW.  

 

How can we tell you should?  Actually, it's not rocket science.  There is no real communication of intentions or thought processes between you.  You each suspect agendas and ulterior motives.  Second, you have decided two years ago to BREAK UP, yet you are still talking about being together long term?  On top of that, you two actually spend precious time haggling over the politics and semantics of when, where and how much someone said "thank you"?  The most tangible, real concept surrounding this entire scenario, actually, is that you have in fact answered your own question.  You have already decided--looooong ago--that this isn't the man you want.  I take it you did the breaking up, because he is still chasing you sexually and willing to help with your taxes!

 

Another telltale sign that it's time to move on (as if another was necessary) is that you openly lamented the prospect of having to go out there and date again.  Here you have to ask yourself why you are so afraid.  If it's because you feel that even a misguided, disoriented, dead-end relationship that isn't even romantically inclined is better than NO relationship then you are behaving like a desperate woman.  If it's truly because you don't want to have to get all dressed-up and impress someone all over again, that's also a misplaced fear.  If you stay where you are right now, hamstrung by fear of the unknown, you are clearly SETTLING, pure and simple.  If you have attracted this man who wants you sexually so badly, then you can and will attract others. 

 

The question now is, of course, what kind of man are you going to attract?  You may be surprised that when you are a woman who deserves what she wants, you will in turn attract a different class of men.  To do that, you must be confident in yourself and your femininity.  Plus, you must date enough (and close to home) that you are able to build a true perspective on what you want in a man--especially if you would like to be married in two years.  Best of all, you will be utterly shocked at how little time and "heavy lifting" it takes to meet someone and feel comfortable with him or her. 

 

When single, Emily and I both were routinely meeting people almost EVERY DAY at one point before we met each other.  It's just not that difficult...especially when you realize you don't have any other pressure on you than to be real.  Not every first date has to be to the Opera or Morton's Steak House.

 

Thanks for your great letter.  We wish you great success in deserving what you want!

 

 

 

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AND NOW…ANNOUNCING THE LATEST “INNER GAME” TECHNIQUE:   CHARACTER

 

 

Scot,

I just wanted to say "thanks" for what you do.  I've subscribed to your newsletters and podcasts for some time, and recently downloaded and read thoroughly Deserve What You Want and Wildly Successful Dating.   I just finished listening to the Power Sessions that came with the package, the one about women who try to trap men.

After splitting with my wife not too long ago, I found the "community" (starting with good old David DeAngelo) and noticed the huge disparity in philosophies....you know what I mean...the "dark side" and the "light side".

So to get to the point, I really appreciate that there's someone out there like you who upholds integrity, and honestly works to help us be better men...you've been continually inspiring and I look forward to learning more from you!

Best Regards,

Jeff

 

 

 

You are quite welcome, Jeff.  And THANK YOU for fully “getting” what we are about around here.

 

Many of the VERY SAME “tricks” and “techniques” that certain “black hat” guys out there in the “Seduction Community” are proffering to supposedly “get women” are being used ON GUYS to sell books and to build a cult following.  I often wonder how long it will take for many of the guys out there to figure that out.

 

 

 

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Be Good,

 

Scot

 

 

 

 

NEW AND IMPROVED VIDEO SHOWS:  The “next generation” of X-Net video shows, featuring some killer improvements, is ON THE LOOSE.  Check the “X & Y On The Fly LIVE” and “The Chick Whisperer TV” shows out on YouTube at: http://www.youtube.com/group/datingadvice (www.youtube.com/group/datingadvice).

 

 

THREE PODCASTS WILL HAVE NEW EPISODES BY WEDNESDAY MORNING:  The Chick Whisperer episode 11 features my good friend Brad Finsilver from http://www.datementor.com (www.datementor.com) as co-host.  We talk about “daytime pickup” and you do not want to get caught outside the fence on this one.  The show is already recorded and it is a total blast.  All I have to do is edit it and up it goes.  The feed is http://feeds.feedburner.com/thechickwhisperer.  Meanwhile, on the XYotF front, Emily and I have a great interview on tap with Jon and Laurie Weiss, relationship coaches and authors of “Being Happy Together”.  The topic will be “What Is A Happy Relationship?” and The Weisses can be found at http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/happy.  Believe us…after nearly fifty years of marriage, these two were on-point for this interview like you won’t believe.  Look for the Episode 30 at http://feeds.feedburner.com/xyonthefly as always.  Meanwhile, all I can say about Online Dating Profile Rating show number “Sweet 16” is “get your fire suit on”…whoa.  That should be up by Wednesday also at http://feeds.feedburner.com/onlinedating.

 

 

POWER SESSIONS:  The July edition of Power Sessions For Men is ALL about Situational Conversation.  It is the longest one yet at seventy minutes, and that’s pure rapid-fire content as always.  Find out more at http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/powersessions/men. There will be yet another bonus program this month.  As you may already know, new editions are launched on the 15^th of every month so getting in on it a day or two ahead of time is almost like getting a 2-for-1 deal.  You just can’t beat it, especially if you get a free month with your order of Deserve What You Want as described above.  And YES…Emily has her own kickin’ version planned for the ladies.  Get in on that--along with some great bonuses to rival those we’re giving out for PS4M—at http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/powersessions/women.  

 

 

DATING COACHING WITH A DESTINATION:  Ten-Plus is a guided, structured plan of action for your dating success.   If you are serious about getting your skills with the opposite sex handled, visit http://www.xandycommunications.net/main/coach.htm.  Life is too short to miss out on a wildly successful dating life, and this is the fast-track.  I have room for exactly two more in this program for now.

 

 

EMILY’S “KEYS TO BLISS” NEWSLETTER:  Emily has already sent out her first newsletter to the ladies.  Sign up for that by sending email to emily@aweber.com.  No subject or text is necessary.  Joining will not affect your membership to this newsletter.

 

                                                                                                                                                                                          

 

 

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X & Y Communications is dedicated to making you the most skilled participant in the dating world you can be, at whatever stage of life you are in.  It’s all about straight talk about the most creative subjects, somehow encompassing moral principles while being neither too shy nor too judgmental to hit the important things head on.  The basic stuff you’ve heard a million times isn’t rehashed around here.  Enjoy!

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