Reader Questions And Comments

 

 

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Now, on to your questions…

 

 

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(Still) Married With Children

 

Scot,

At what point do I tell women that I'm separated and have a 3yr child?  I have shared custody with my wife.  I don't want to scare women away.

I'm 36 yrs and the women I've been meeting are under 25yrs so many of them don't fully understand my situation. 

Thanks,

JG

 

 

Well, that's a great question.  But you likely aren't going to like this answer.

 

I doubt your three year old or the age gap has as much to do with what you are experiencing as you think.  The reason you are scaring women away is because you are MARRIED.  You'll find they "fully understand" your situation in a manner that is more in line with your expectations once your divorce is final.

 

Until then, I don't blame them for not sticking around.

 

Think about it.

 

I realize that the logistics and parameters of "separation" vary by locale, but in most places there is no such thing as "legal separation".  And even if there is where you are, it's not exactly as final as "divorce".  Since you are still married, almost anything goes.  You are still legally involved with your wife.  Neither the divorce nor the legal ramifications of it have been finalized.

 

Further, when someone presents him or herself as "separated" there is no safety net whatsoever protecting that claim.  There's no divorce decree on record at the courthouse.  For all we know, someone who is "separated" might still be going home and sleeping in the same bed as his or her spouse.

 

And that's how perfectly well-meaning peeps like you and I get SHOT AT.

 

Now, if all of that isn't compelling enough, let me go ahead and answer your first question about when to tell women you are dating about all of this:  IMMEDIATELY.  Anything short of that is false advertisement of your singleness.

 

 

 

 

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Johnny “One-itis”

 

Hello Scot,

Just finished listening to your April bonus of power sessions for the second time.  Wow, that was some powerful stuff, I just wish I had joined earlier.  You see I am the kind of guy that opens doors for women and calls to make sure they got home safe.  By the way, you can really make an old women's day by opening the door for her, that's some great stuff, they appreciate it and it makes you feel more like a man. 

My dilemma lies with I found a great women by your descriptions "she would even reach over and unlock my door," on FarmersOnly.com (www.farmersonly.com) and everything was going well, till I came down with a horrible disease called "ONEITIS".  After that this great woman I was with started to distance herself from me and the relationship ended really quick.  I've been dating since then but "I will not settle," so I'm becoming discouraged.  How do I get over screwing-up a relationship with a great woman??  I probably have to go out and deserve more but I'm not sure what that really means.  Any help on the subject would be awesome.  Thanks for the terrific products.

Thanks again,

Mike

 

Hey Mike:

 

First of all, I am an incredible fan of Farmer's Only (www.farmersonly.com).  I made friends via phone with their founder Jerry Miller one day and he is a flat-out terrific guy.

 

A lot of times, you hear that "oneitis" is cured by "dating other women".  But that's simply a means to an end--an objective activity that needs to lead to a real mindset in order to be effective.  Ultimately, having a brain that is clear of any feelings of DESPERATION or SCARCITY is what cures "oneitis" forever, even in future relationships.  If you believe you are a man who attracts terrific women, then you will naturally begin to realize that there are a lot of them out there.  And even if there AREN'T "a lot of them" out there, if you are a truly great man you will still be a rare enough specimen that you will have this bizarre knack for attracting those who ARE out there.

 

Having tons of women interested in you is like a magic "delete" button for the weak, milquetoast attitude of clinginess that frustrates women to no end.  If you want to truly supercharge that effect, work to become a man who takes charge of the evaluation process involved with meeting women rather than idealizing every cute lil' thang that you meet.  I don't care if you've known her for six months, there is plenty of chance there could be a 'deal breaker' in there somewhere that has not reared its ugly head yet.  Notice I said "work" a couple of sentences ago.  This truly is a habit we’re talking about here, and the old habit of immediately validating pretty women and trying to impress them dies hard.  Most of us have been doing that our entire lives, so it's no wonder why that's the case.

 

Now, here's the "money ball".  To gain ultimate victory here, you MUST understand that women are HARD WIRED to demand that a man be of equal or higher overall status than they in order to be seen as worthy mates and fathers to their children.  This is based on instinct more than any conscious decision.  Just like you want her to look good and be friendly, she wants you carry leadership based on a position of strength.  This makes women feel comfortable in your presence, and attracts them. 

 

You'll often overhear women who have issued "just be friends" talks to "nice guys" who fawned over them say things like, "I have no idea why I couldn't stay attracted to him.  He's exactly the kind of guy I know would be good for me.  But I just wasn't feeling it.  I'm so mad at myself!"

 

The clincher, then, is to understand what women truly want from us and begin to understand why things are as they are.  I'm telling you it's like getting whacked in the head with a 2x4 when you realize how this all fits together.  Believe me when I say that this perspective cures you of destructive "oneitis" tendencies pronto.  After all, you now have OBJECTIVE knowledge on the subject.  Strangely, armed as such mentally you almost have subconscious "survival instincts" of your own that kick in and nix needy "oneitis" stuff when it wants to flare up. 

 

In other words, you GET IT.  And women will love you for it.

 

 

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The Bitter End = A Sweet Beginning

 

Hello there,

Thanks for all those e-mails that you send to me. They are all very helpful to my daily life. You have become a big part of my life, really.

I read your last email, about "just settling" and it really provoked me to think about my situation with my boyfriend.

I'm turning 21 this year and I have been going out for a year and five months with my boyfriend   The trouble is, and I have come to accept this condition for all this time, he doesn't call, take me out, or even send me a simple message just saying I love you.  Several times I have told him of how this makes me unhappy, but he keeps saying that is just the way he is, and that he is trying--which at the end of the day is left all up to me to do.

Its just that sometimes I feel I am wasting my time with him, to understand where his coming from and all, and I start feeling that one day he will probably get another girl and start treating her the way I wanted to be treated and I feel like such a fool.

Do you think am right, or am I perhaps misjudging him? 

Thanks for your time

V. 

I think you are absolutely correct.  In fact, all it takes is your own personal feeling that you are "wasting your time" in order to validate that.   

It's all about deserving what you want.  If you deserve better already, and he isn't what you want, then you shouldn't stay in the relationship.  End of story.

That said, most do stick around until the bitter end for fear of not meeting someone else and being lonely.  One of two things will take place when you actually do have the courage to end the relationship.  Either you will be shocked by how truly fast he is replaced with better options, OR you will have a very valuable time to do what it takes in your life to become someone who deserves better.

 

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You’re Not That Guy

 

Hey Scot, hope you're having a great day.

 

My question came up the other night when I was talking with a woman that was interested in me.  We were having a great conversation and somehow she had brought up that she had been drugged and raped a few years prior.

 

This isn't the first time this has happened with me and a woman in conversation.  It actually has happened several times, like around 5 or 6

different women.  They have either been raped or sexually abused somehow.  And I know there are many more out there.

 

I never asked specifically about their past.  The topic usually comes up after I bust on them about something that they do that seems a bit odd, and then they produce their story of rape or abuse as an excuse for their weird behavior.

 

My question is:  Is there any good or better way to handle this kind of thing when it comes up?  If the topic only came once in my life I would disregard it as a fluke, but I have never heard this area addressed by any of the other dating gurus, and I think it may have some importance.  I'm hoping you can shed some light on this for me.

 

Thanks, Scot keep up the good work!

Michael

 

What a terrific question.

 

Yes, that's the inherent risk of being open, flirtatious and yes--even C/F.  Unfortunately, it has been estimated that over 50% of all women have experienced some sort of sexual or physical assault.  In fact, so have a lot of MEN, especially in childhood.

How we react to these traumatic situations contributes significantly to who we are as individuals, for better or worse.  Some people are strong and remain virtually unaffected, while others are scarred for life with a "victim's mentality".

 

First of all, don't let anyone lay a guilt trip or any sort of "man bashing" attitude on you if you were simply attempting to be friendly.  It's not your fault she was assaulted, and you're not like the other guy.  I just wanted to get that out of the way.

 

If and when these situations come up as you’ve described, take her emotions seriously but don't let her wallow in self-pity.  It sounds like in your case women are just throwing everything out there on the table as part of saying "I'm sorry" purely from a position of low self esteem.  Feel absolutely free to tell a woman that she can stop saying "I'm sorry" when she has nothing to be sorry for.  And you can likewise tell her that you are NOT like this other person, whoever it was, and that your opinion of her is not swayed by her revelation to you regarding the past. In doing so you may possibly empower her to move on to at least some extent that it's necessary.  And my impression is that if she's volunteering such info without direct inquiry, there's still a weight on her shoulders that needs to be lifted.

 

Also know that neither you--nor I for that matter--are in the business of psychotherapy.  You can only respond as a decent human being.  You cannot "cure" anyone.

 

Ultimately, it is everyone's own responsibility NOT to have their own respective lives ruined because of events in the past.  We each have a choice in that matter, whether we choose to recognize it or not.  Heck, look at Emily and I--both of us could EASILY have wallowed in "victimhood" a few years ago, but didn't. 

Thanks for the great question.    And yes…isn’t it odd how most “dating advice” shies away from the more complex issues so often?  But those issues are very real…and learning exactly how to handle them is precisely what makes “deserving what you want” such a valuable process and a unique destination.

 

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Be Good,

 

Scot

 

 

 

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