Note:  Welcome to a TON of new subscribers this week.  Today’s newsletter is a special one with questions from readers, which we do about once every six weeks or so. 

 

 

 

 

Reader Questions And Comments

 

 

 

The JBF Talk…It’s Not Just For The Guys

 

 

I have a question.

 

I got to go out for coffee with a guy I have had a crush on for about a year. It went well but the summary of the discussion we had about dating was that he is in limbo right now because he has little time with his kids and work. He is seriously considering moving if he will be able to get custody of his children and the courts allow. He basically doesn't want to get into a relationship with someone if he will be moving. He said a number of times that to him dating is about timing.

 

He does endure a long commute each day and he has kids (2 girls) a lot.

 

I am uncomfortable pushing the issue if he is not interested. The coffee made me even more sure I would like to get to know him better. Can you translate this "guy speak" because I am baffled.

 

I am considering send him a thank-you for coffee and hope that he will be able to make time to do it again (soon?). I am uncomfortable making any forthright effort to engage him if he is clearly not interested for whatever reason.

 

Sigh.  He and I are so alike it was like I had known him for years.

 

Thanks for your input. Take care.

 K. – Georgia

 

 

 

K.:

 

Although many if not all of the issues he cited might be very real, I’ve got some difficult news for you.  People tend to modify their priorities in a BIG WAY when they meet someone who really moves them.  And he’s not doing that.

 

Be really careful not to express too much to a guy about how much you like him too soon.  Remember "getting kills wanting".

 

Also important, as tough as it sounds to do it's best not to invest too much emotional energy in a certain person until much later.  The less you feel you need a guy in your life, the more you are likely to attract him...ironically.

 

Here’s an aspect where men and women are remarkably similar.  No kidding.

 

Consider if the tables were turned.  If this guy was falling quickly and fawning over you, your gut reaction might be that you could do better.  And you would lose attraction for him—probably without even knowing why exactly.

 

Meet some other guys and take a more casual approach.  You'll like the results.  And just for good measure, remember that he “gets” to go out for coffee with you also—you aren’t the only privileged one.

 

BTW, all guys reading this take note:  Now you know that women can land in the “Just Be Friends” (“JBF”) zone too.  But…that doesn’t change the fact that EVERYTHING here goes DOUBLE for you at all times.   

 

 

 

 

Obscure Obstacles For The Obsequious

 

 

Hi,

 

I have another question. I am applying the things I am learning from you everyday and I am paying special attention to the podcasts on approaching women and where do you meet them.  

 

My obstacle now is I keep seeing women I would like to get to know better at obscure moments like coffee shops, waiting in line etc. they seem to be giving me "signals of interest" but how do you go about trying to flirt and get a number when there are two girls present, because with this there are the issues of jealousy or if the other friend will try and hinder your attempts because you approached the other girl. 

 

This happened today at Starbucks with two girls talking to each other at a table. We strategically sat at the middle table where all the girls could see us.  I didn't make the attempt to go talk to the one girl that seemed interested because her friend was there but she did go to the bathroom. Maybe that was my opening but even then to get a number from someone you just met with just 2 to 3 minutes to do it in is strict. There is a way to accomplish this?  So what I am doing wrong with my mindset?

 

Thanks again for your time and help, I appreciate it and can say I am making the sincere decision to put myself on the path to deserving what I want.

 

N. -- California

 

 

Hey N.

 

I'm glad that things we talk about appear to be working for you some already.  They certainly have for me.

 

Regarding your first question about groups of women, I think you are over-analyzing.  Doing such in any situation--be it meeting women or whatever else you do in life--causes you to manufacture self-doubt at a record pace.  I'm sure you've heard the term "analysis paralysis", and it applies here.  If you don't even try, you are guaranteed to fail...every time.

 

If you see a woman you like who just so happens to be with her friends, there is absolutely nothing "wrong" with showing interest towards her specifically.  A real man should be cordial with the friend(s) and bring some energy to the entire group, but it's only natural (and expected) that you would be particularly attracted to one in particular.  Women are grown-ups too, remember.  If ”in the unlikely event of a decompression” your concern is validated and the other wom(en) somehow manage to "act up" in either a jealous and/or immature way, that's not really even your problem. Rest assured that any woman who would put on this display is behaving in no manner to indicate true friendship toward the woman you are interested in.

 

With some field experience, you'll soon realize that most women are very gracious in return when a man graciously approaches a certain woman in the group.  You are only going to get blatantly “blocked” when either 1)  She’s not single after all, or  2)  You are an I/J (Idiot/Jerk).  So be the kind of man who deserves what he wants, and there’s very, very little potential for shame.  Besides, what's the worst that can happen if they all want your attention…you get ALL of their phone numbers?

 

Let’s think about this even deeper.  If one behaves like a brat, believe it or not it may HELP your cause as the one you prefer apologizes upon finding herself in a position of embarrassment.  But all this is a contingency plan for the unlikely.  Women know better than to be that catty towards their friends in such situations.  In fact, they often are happy for one another--interestingly enough.

 

 

 

 

Want What You Deserve

 

 

Hi Scot,

 

Just wanted to say "good job". After having my heart broken by my divorce from a woman I really loved, I have been looking for someone else to spend the rest of my life with.  I, like you have been told that it wasn't my fault and that I did all I could to try to save my marriage, but it still doesn't take the pain away.  After almost a year I feel that I am now ready to begin dating again.  I figured "Hey I was married, I shouldn't be afraid to talk to women."  Boy was I wrong, I am just as shy as ever when it comes to approaching women.  You and Emily have begun to open my eyes to the fact that I am not alone in this regard and that it is OK to approach women.  You guys are empowering me to get the relationship I want and deserve and not to settle for a substandard relationship.  I just wanted to give a huge thanks and good luck on your new life together

 

Thanks and God Bless,

 

B. -- Mississippi

 

 

Thanks B.  These are the letters I most enjoy receiving. We love knowing that we’re making a difference.

 

Yep, you got it--there's no time to be a "victim" after a tough divorce.  Learning to deserve what you want is THE best and absolute quickest way to put the past in the rear view mirror.

 

Be sure to go out and date all sorts of women so you can truly evaluate who it is you are looking for.  In other words, who is it that you actually WANT to DESERVE?  That’s a crucial step on the road to deserving what you want.  Then, once you have total control over your dating life and be the--CHOOSER instead of the CHASER--you can then make the decision to stick with one great woman on your own terms.

 

Thanks for the well wishes for a happy life. You're next!

 

Be good,

Scot

 

 

 

PODCASTS UPDATE:  Next week Emily and I are going to launch a second podcast together called “Online Dating Profile Rating”.  Every week we are going to pick a real online profile at random and overhaul it.  This should be fun AND educational!  Meanwhile, Episode 21 of “X & Y On The Fly” on flirting is out and can be found, as always, on our feed at http://feeds.feedburner.com/xyonthefly or http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/main/podcast.htm.  If you want to “pin yourself” on our Frappr map, it’s posted at http://www.frappr.com/xandy.

 

Power Sessions For Women is NOW AVAILABLE.  Emily’s own long-awaited Power Sessions series for the ladies is found at http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/powersessions/women.   The January edition of Power Sessions For Men is also out, so if you are guy and haven’t yet joined the “Deserving Community” go for it by visiting www.deservewhatyouwant/powersessions/men.  

 

Did a friend forward you this message?  To receive this free newsletter on 21^st century dating issues from X & Y Communications on a regular basis, simply go to http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com, drop your email in the annoying popup window, and download “Get What You Deserve” for free.  Easy stuff.

 

Questions?  Ideas?  Comments?  Send to questions@xandycommunications.net.  Your feedback is welcome.  If you like what you read, please feel free to forward the newsletter to others.  That’s how we build our audience!

 

 

X & Y Communications is dedicated to making you the most skilled participant in the dating world you can be, at whatever stage of life you are in.  It’s all about straight talk about the most creative subjects, somehow encompassing moral principles while being neither too shy nor too judgmental to hit the important things head on.  The basic stuff you’ve heard a million times isn’t rehashed around here.  Enjoy!

Please also note that the information in this newsletter is for entertainment purposes only and is not intended to constitute professional advice. 

 

 

This email newsletter is a free service of X & Y Communications.  It is never sent to those who have not asked for it.  If you believe you have been sent this message in error, please respond and we will kindly remove you from our mailing list.