Reader Questions And Comments
Beautiful, Cute Or Sexy
It is quite possible to be all three if
you are a complex person, as well as, the situation a female may find herself
in. I myself have been called all three, but I am not all three at any
given time.
R – TX
As I’ve said before, “complexity” is not a bad thing. “Complex” is the opposite of “shallow”. A diamond, for example, is complex because
of its many facets. It remains ironic
to me how most who use the term “complex” as a derogatory descriptor tend to be
rather shallow people.
You have every right to be proud of the fact that you are one
of the rare individuals who can be beautiful, cute or sexy. You bring up an excellent point—that you
have some personal control over which trait(s) you portray at any given
time. Certainly your attitude, how you
carry yourself vis-ŕ-vis a particular social situation and how you dress (of
course) can make all the difference.
By the way, there is NOTHING like a cutie-pie who ratchets up
the sexiness when the time is right.
Keep up the good work.
Remember, however, that there’s much more to being the kind of woman a
man wants to keep forever. Deserving
what you want means being the “whole package”.
Being a beautiful, cute, sexy package is a great start, though,
admittedly.
Driving Men Crazy
Great
newsletter. Now I will not complain about being called cute. I
would much rather drive affection.
L – AL
I maintain the opinion
that causing members of the opposite gender to instantly have the “warm fuzzies”
for you is the most profound of the three emotions caused by being beautiful,
cute and sexy respectively.
Merely eliciting visual
appreciation, for example, is fleeting.
As powerful as the animal desire for sex is (arguably the most powerful
human emotion), I believe it is an empty chasing after the wind…especially
without the warmth of affection behind it.
On the other hand, however, I firmly believe that the affection cuteness
causes is very, very often backed by strong sexual attraction when the object
of our affection is someone whom it would be potentially appropriate to have a
sexual relationship with.
As I’ve said before,
cuteness RULES with me. And I don’t
think I’m alone.
Long Parades, Etc.
Anyway – I have often wondered about the
kids part. You can tell a lot about a person and how they would fit in to
your life if they met the kids first, but then of course for obvious reasons
that isn’t a smart idea – you don’t’ want 50 million people to parade through
your children’s life, etc.
I bet other single parents out there are
wondering the same thing. I know that the age of the children is a major
factor in this type of decision. If you have great words of advice or
other forms of wisdom you should share. I can’t speak for others but I would
appreciate it.
Take care,
R -- TX
Indeed. How the kids fit into your dating life and
when / if to introduce them to people you date is a tremendous quandary for
many single parents.
When I was
finishing “Deserve What You Want”, I sent the proposed table of contents out to
a select few people whose opinions I wanted regarding what, if anything, should
be included that as yet wasn’t.
One response I
got simply read, “What about the kids?”
That question became the title of a section in the book…one of the last
two I wrote before publication.
My conclusion,
which is elaborated upon in greater detail in the book, is that introductions
to the children are best timed when you and the object of your affection have
decided to conduct an exclusive relationship.
You are very
right about how you can tell a lot about someone by how they interact with your
children. My belief, however, is that
the nature of what you learn there involves the sort of thing that’s necessary
to evaluate when considering a long-term relationship. When you are in an exclusive relationship,
the reason should be that the two of you are considering keeping each other
around forever.
So, there seems
to be a “Catch-22” there…shouldn’t this stuff be figured out before I enter
into an exclusive relationship? Here’s
my solution. When getting to know
someone, take careful note of how s/he treats wait staff at restaurants, older
folks, pets and / or their own parents (if they’re around). From this, you will be able to somewhat
accurately extrapolate what kind of person s/he is in general, which should
translate nicely to how it will be when s/he meets the kids. Pay attention to how s/he reacts to other
children in public also.
Clearly, if your
date has kids of his / her own, the quality of the relationships there are very
telling as well.
Great
question…many thanks. I welcome ideas
from other readers on this subject.
“Targeting” Women
McKay,
I
have already read quite a few of the newsletters.
Reading
the letter about having a great online profile reminded of a situation
that I am CONSTANTLY faced with and have hardly EVER acted upon. I
figured I would see what advise you may have. Here is the situation,
quoted from your website...
"Have
you ever been out running errands? You know, something really mundane--”when
all of the sudden, maybe at the Target, someone catches your eye? She’s kind of
cute, but it’s hard to tell what she’s really like when she’s pushing a cart
around like that. I mean, being it’s a public place and everything. She’s a
mommy all right, but you’re just wondering what is under there. Should you meet
her? Would she be friendly? Is she even single? While you are considering all
of this, one of her two little boys starts "acting up", causing her
to have to attend to him right then and there. But she calms him, and gives him
a hug--showing him the kind of affection that just makes you even more
curious."
Along
with the questions that were asked in the scenario, here are a
couple more.
How
can you ask a TOTAL stranger in an unobtrusive but original way?
How
do you keep from offending them IF they are seeing someone?
Thanks
McKay,
S
–TX
Thank
you for your excellent question.
Before
I answer it, I would like to address the women who are reading this: Take notice! Look at the kind of thoughts real, live men have when reading a
profile like this. The owner of this
profile has set herself apart as highly desirable, hasn’t she? Building this kind of curiosity in men who
read the profile is EXACTLY the point of posting one in the first place, right?
She has done this simply by relating to the kind of situation that many men
find themselves in but seldom act upon.
Yes,
you heard me correctly. You, sir, are
NOT ALONE. I often hear from women that
they doubt men ever have any trepidation about “hitting on them” because it
happens so often. This leads some very
beautiful women to believe that only a small percentage of men are actually
interested in them. Nope. The truth is that only a small percentage of
men have the emotional wherewithal to actually APPROACH them with interest.
This
floors most women, and leaves most men thinking they are alone in how they
feel.
The
truth is that although most men fear FLAT REJECTION by women, it seldom happens
in the real world. Really. Ladies, if you are reading this, give me a
silent nod if you go out of your way not to be rude to a guy who has the guts
to approach you with interest in a tasteful manner—even if you are “taken”.
It’s
true. And here’s another thing…in those
rare instances where a woman you approach is downright rude, refer to the
spirit of my answer in the previous question about gauging how someone will
relate to kids—if she is that rude, you’ve saved yourself a LOT of trouble
anyway, haven’t you?
Don’t
miss here that the concept of offending her if she is “taken” is largely
unfounded. How can you know if a woman
is taken unless you ask? One caveat,
however, which should be obvious: if
she is wearing a bona-fide wedding ring and / or is hanging out with a man who
is clearly her significant other, you are a certifiable I/J if you have designs
on her. As I’ve written about in the
new book, in such a case even if you somehow succeed in your arrogant, hurtful
behavior, you and your new “honey” are BOTH cheaters and will invariably end up
continuing your habits. That’s the
truth.
Finally,
let me illustrate approaching a total stranger with a true story that happened
last summer. I had very briefly met a
friend of a friend about a month earlier, when I happened to see her at—of all
places---Target. Now, this woman is
very attractive, about five or six inches taller than I am, at least 15 years
my junior…and MARRIED. Knowing all of
this, I simply got her attention with one of those simple, light whacks on the
shoulder with back of the hand. I said,
“Hey!”. Somewhat surprised, she turned
to me, smiled brightly and said, “Hey!” back to me. I said, “Well, I guess even superheroes like you and I still have
to hit the Target sometimes don’t we?”
She laughed, and continued the conversation. Quickly, I began to get a bit creeped out because she was showing
clear signs of FLIRTING with me.
Remember, this is a woman I’d NEVER consider a logical “match” for
me—and a MARRIED one! So, I backed off
a bit and said, well I gotta jett, be good.
She looked at me somewhat confused, as if to wonder why I wasn’t asking
for her contact info. I said, “OK, well
I’ll tell [friend] you said hello.” She
looked at me with a confused countenance.
“Um, who’s “[friend]” I don’t
have any friends with that name.” I
said, “aren’t you Jennifer?” “Um…no…my
name’s Rosario.” I looked at her
finger…no ring. I laughed out loud.
Read
that story again, looking in particular at how uncomplicated it was to approach
this total stranger whom I would never in a million years had thought would be
my type. Go thee and do likewise. And send me your success stories.
A Long Question With An Uncharacteristically Short Answer
Scot,Let me tell you about a situation I was in with my ex-boyfriend. We are now best of friends, but he is still with this girl that I think is using him...for a place to stay without having to pay anything out of her pocket to stay there. How do I approach him about this and if I do is it even in my place to do so. He left me for her because he didn't like the baggage that I came with, but regardless of it, he fell in love with my kids and we made, deep enough, a connection that I can tell when he needs something and vice versa without having to say a word. He says that he truly cares about me and he is glad that we are friends. Both of us think of calling one another at the same time...I believe that we got so close that we created an unbreakable bond that no time or person can ever break. Do I want more? Of course, and maybe I am insane to be so close to him knowing that he has someone else. But I am still so in love with him that I would rather have him as a best friend than nothing else. Something happened. After he broke up with me, and his girl found out that he was still talking to me, he pulled away from me because she told him to. After having to change my cell number and moving in to a new place (conveniently I was able to talk to him without her knowing it) Recently she found out that I was still so much a part of his daily life...I was afraid that I'd lose him again. But I didn't, instead he said, "Oh well, shit happens." She got mad because she heard my voice, but he didn't stop calling and he said he still wants to be friends, we just have to be careful how we go about it. I know I'm not being fair to me, but I am stuck in a moment of fantasy. Maybe he is too. He said nothing is wrong with me, but I believe that this fantasy path he has in his mind has to be walked (find someone with no kids and has never been married and start fresh a family with them) There were many places in our past that we could've met one another, but for some reason I had to have something before I met him. I believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe the reason we both can't let go is because there's still a chance. If his dream path doesn't turn out the way he planned it in his mind. NOTHING in our relationship has changed...It's as if we are still together, but this time, it's a secret we both live. Tell me what you think.... ***Stuck in Unconditional Love*** -- CA
Please re-read
the newsletter “Harem Builders”. If you
don’t have it, I will be happy to send it to you. There is also a section in the book with that title (see p. 50).
Be Good,
Scot
Scot McKay
is located in San Antonio, TX. He holds
a B.A. in Christian Education.
X & Y
Communications is dedicated to making you the most skilled participant in the
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