Questions From
Readers
Keeping
Your New Online Friends Interested
why is it that when I meet a guy online
who seems like he might be a match I hardly get a response from him. Or, if he
does chat with me for a while then he just seems to disappear and never asks me
out or anything? but then the guys who just don't have what I'm looking for just
keep sending me emails? why does that happen? What am I doing that is scaring
them away? are they intimidated by me because I'm independent and have my act
together?
A. in FL
Ok, great topic…there are several issues
at play here.
The first matter is your expectation as
far as returns on emails go. If you are
achieving one or two responses out of ten emails you send out, you are doing
very well. If you are just sending “winks”
or “flirts” then be advised that it is all the more common to achieve very low
response rates. I don’t know what city
you are in, but the larger the metro area the lower the percentage of people
who will respond to you. Response rate
actually correlates inversely with the size of the pool of people from which to
draw locally. If you think about this,
it makes sense.
That said, I would need to know more about
your online strategy. You’ve given me a
great opportunity to announce availability of coaching consultations through
X&Y Communications. In your case I recommend a coaching session. I always offer a free fifteen-minute initial
session to readers, and this is particular topic would be a great setting in
which to work.
With the little bit I know, here are some
“quick hit” ideas that might help your thought process. And yes, these will be
transferable to all readers.
If you get to chat (IM or phone isn’t
clear here, but either works for the purpose of this discussion) and he loses
interest, remember a key principle of the advertising industry: You MUST make a positive first impression
QUICKLY. You have very little time to
do this. If you are leading with “Hi,
how are you?” and such, I can guarantee a likelihood that all but the desperate
types aren’t going to stick around.
With that, I’ve also given you a theory as to why the undesirables just
keep emailing you…they are, simply put, not seeing so much success in the
online dating arena and therefore have lower standards. To spell it out for you, the highest-quality
people online are logically going to have enough opportunity in front of them
that you must stand out from the crowd in order to keep their attention. Re-read last week’s newsletter about keeping
a man interested long-term.
Behavior that WORKS with us guys is
something you absolutely, positively need to hit the ground running with. Always.
If you aren’t in the mood for talking/IM-ing a new contact, DON’T DO IT
until you are in the right frame. If
you are having a bad day, in the middle of something frustrating, yelling at
the kids, etc. then let the call go to voice mail when he calls you for the
first time. He’d thank you for it. Believe me.
If your picture and profile have earned someone’s attention, make it a
point to be one of the RARE and INTRIGUING women who have a PERSONALITY.
Make careful note here that I am NOT
telling you to be “less picky” or to lower your standards in any way
whatsoever. Instead, rise up to the
challenge.
Now as for being “independent” and “having
your act together”, I am all but sure the latter is not scaring guys away. We crave that. But by “independent”, do a head-check on the overall tone your
are setting. Coming off as secure and
capable is good, coming off as not really wanting a man around is going to get
you exactly what you’re looking for.
LOL
Women Can Be Non-Committal Just Like Men Can
Scot,
I need your advise for a friend. Since I told him- you were a good at
relationship advise.
I try and give him good advise- but he never seems to take it. So I feel if I
give him a copy of what you think- then he'll maybe listen. Well- lets hope.
I'm going to use 2 fictitious names- Gary
and Sally...
Gary dated Sally about 7 years ago.. It just didn't work out because Sally was
going out with other men. So Gary did
the same- and ended up getting married but not to Sally. Gary and Sally dated
for a few years..Time has gone by- and Gary got divorced.. Gary really loves
Sally- always thought about her.. Wondered 'what if'.
Well- one day out of the clear blue sky- Sally emailed Gary. They started
talking again.. and long story short.. They started dating again.
Gary seems to be very dedicated to Sally. He calls her- keeps her in the loop
of things. Sally seems to forget to mention things. She typically goes out with
other guys that Gary hasn't met.. So on..a nd so on. Gary will bring things up-
and Sally will deny it. Or will try to turn things around.
Do you have any advise for Gary? Let me
know your thoughts..
Thank you
J in OH
Well, I only know the info you have given me. I don't know if
Sally has been single this whole time or not, but if so it will only serve to
underscore what I am about to say.
What a great example of reverse stereotyping. Common
wisdom puts the gender roles in reverse in this situation. Sally is
NOT interested in a committed relationship. She was perfectly content to
date lots of guys seven years ago, and nothing has changed. That she
feels the need to avoid the facts when talking about such things with Gary
could mean that she is playing the field even more than he realizes.
Gary needs to DATE OTHER WOMEN...and IMMEDIATELY. The focus
he is putting on this one woman who doesn't want to commit is 1) limiting
him from finding a woman more worthy of his mindset, and 2) will actually
serve to DRIVE SALLY AWAY. As counter-intuitive as the second point
sounds, it's the truth. Women are more attracted to men who have lots of
women attracted to them.
If he can handle the reality that Sally is going to be seeing other
men, then it's fine if Gary wants to keep seeing her. But he needs to get
out there and meet other women also, while keeping his own feelings in check
for Sally. If those feelings can't be kept in check now, then Gary should
cut ties with Sally. Otherwise, this is
going to hurt.
Thinking
Alike
Just read your latest newsletter. Awesome,
again, as usual!! You really have a gift, Scot. It's amazing how
much we really think alike. Hope you have a great day and hope to chat
with you soon.
Take Care,
M. in OK
I hear
from readers quite a bit that I must have “read their mind”, or something to
that effect. All this is purely
intentional. My goal is to discuss
things here that are RELEVANT to just about anyone in a relationship. Much of this stuff is common sense, although
I do try to hit subjects that may not get written about or talked about
often. That’s what this is all about!
Potentially
Perfectly Imperfect
Hey Scot....
hope all is well. i just wanted to
say thanks again for incluing me in your mailing list. I loved this last
newsletter!!! Some of us are attracted to people not because of how they
look but because of who they are and who they have the potential to
beome.
Make it a great day!!!
C. in TX
That's
all part of it. And the magic is how that's different for everyone.
Bad Sex Made Easy
A friend was talking to me yesturday and
she told me that she met this guy they had sex on the 2nd date, but afterwards
she told him that she didn't want to see him anymore because the sex was bad! I
couldn't believe what she had done. That must of really hurt that guy. What do
you think I should tell her?
When she was telling me what she was
telling him she was so blunt about it. I was SHOCKED
She said that she felt very uncomfortable
afterwards, she said that he just pulled his pants down like a 20yr old and
then just went for it. she is 34 and he is 30 okay in my opion be more
creative.
B. in TX
OK, well in MY opinion this has nothing to
do with “creativity”. Your friend needs
to WAKE UP and realize that if a man is making her UNCOMFORTABLE during or
after sex, she should not feel compelled to go through with it AT ALL let alone
repeat the experience. I find no fault
in her being very direct to him about it as you described.
A recurring theme I hear involves women
who have sex with a guy who they aren’t even particularly attracted to just to
“have sex” and/or worse—to “get him off her back about it”. This is, in my mind, barely a step above
rape! Think about it.
So in this case, is it any wonder the sex
is BAD? How in the world is sex between
two people supposed to be any good AT ALL when one of the partners doesn’t even
really want to be there? This entire
situation is horrible on every level I can think about. I can’t even fathom the concept of enjoying
sex at all unless both partners are fantastically hot for one another.
Not to be too harsh, but I’m going to
issue a WAKE UP call you you as well.
The guy in this situation is at best being utterly selfish and not
showing any positive concern for your friend, and at worst pretty much forcing
himself on her against her will. There
is NO REASON to worry about being blunt when telling this I/J that he’s going
to have to hit the road.
Fly Away
This article is so true to those of us in this age
of internet dating. I to have experienced the same situation. There
were no air reservations involved but it was an 8 hour drive to meet him.
I felt a good chemistry between us on the phone and we seemed to have the same
goals and things in common. Unfortunately, he canceled the plans at the
last meeting stating that he had gotten hit with a tremendous amount of
expenses and would not be able to make it. Well shortly after that he
disappeared from the online dating network and eventually changed his phone
number. My bet is that he was already involved with someone and didn't
want to take the chance of getting caught or he found someone else locally with
more potential than I had...meaning distance.
I have since gotten
off that site and am not inclined to be disappointed again. I have since
met some incredible people locally and hope to make lasting relationships.
I
appreciate your articles and continue to look forward to reading them.
Thank you Scot.
M. in IN
Thanks for your
letter. There was lots of feedback on
the newsletter about flying away to meet someone. Several mentioned that they had canceled plans having read it and
asking some hard questions.
Be A Chivalry Magnet
Hey Scot,
Great
topic! I think that if women want men who are chivalrous, we need to do a
better job in recognizing and acknowledging chivalrous behavior. Case in
point...A few weeks ago I had lunch with my mom, her fiancé and my boys.
When I arrived at the table, I spent several minutes getting my boys
settled. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed that my mom's fiancé was
still standing. As I continued fussing with my boys, I finally
realized that he was waiting for ME to sit before he sat down! He is one
of those rare men to whom chivalry seems to come naturally. Men need for
us to recognize gallantry when we see it and show some gratitude and
appreciation if we want them to continue treating us with honor and respect!
B. in TX
I couldn’t agree
more. Hey, what’s a “knight in shining
armor” without a fair maiden? Notice
that I didn’t say “damsel in distress”.
Keep the “distress” to a minimum, and all of us will stay happy.
By the way,
that’s a brave guy you have there…willing to have lunch with your kids AND your
Mom all there. LOL
Deserving
What You Want Out Of A Partner
Thank you scot. This is by
far your best yet. I so needed to read it.
I recently met the man I pray will be my future husband. I believe I
possess the characteristics you mention in your " good list" lol have
a great day.
M. in TX
You’re welcome. Whatever you do, if your soul is glowing with
delight when you are with your man, let it shine.
Rushing In
hi Scot,
wna asked your
opinion about this sort of relationship...
I meet this guy
already, and he just lost his wife 1 hour after his baby was born.
Been 1 month
now...
details on the
letter i sent you..
i like this
guy...need your suggestion, i mean,...you think is there a
chance?
thanks
N. in Indonesia
[Ed note:
The reader attached correspondence from the guy, which I am not
including here, but which influenced my response.]
I don't know the
entire situation, of course, so I will stick to the points here that to me are
beyond doubt. There are some very important things for you to consider,
and I can break them down into 1) Things about this relationship, and 2)
Things about your general approach to men.
1)
THIS RELATIONSHIP
I think everyone
reading this is screaming at his/her computer the same thing: “HE LOST HIS WIFE LESS THAN A MONTH AGO, AND
ON TOP OF THAT HAS A NEWBORN BABY TO DEAL WITH…ALL SUDDENLY! HELLO!”
OK, so now that we have a firm grasp on the obvious, on with the details.
It is very
telling that this guy is still referring to the woman who passed away as his
"girlfriend". Right now he is full of emotions that are new to
him, and these conflict at times in a way that must be very frustrating to you
both. He is mourning the loss of someone he loved, while at the same time
trying to figure out how to handle a baby on his own. This is too
much for anyone to be expected to work out alone, and it must be a lonely
road. So now he has met you, and in a way welcomes the help and support
you provide, and maybe even the physical connection, but you MUST NOT expect
any clarity as far as his feelings for you. At this point, you are
dealing with a strange thing: a man who is in part emotionally needy, yet
in equal part emotionally unavailable. My strong suggestion is to keep
this a platonic friendship for the foreseeable future.
2) YOUR
DEALINGS WITH MEN IN GENERAL
I am going to
try to offer some help for you here. Please consider that though what I
am about to tell you will seem a bit harsh, it may be exactly what you need to
hear.
First, you are
very much coming off as a desperate, needy woman. You are offering all
the help in the world, including your sexual intimacy, to a man who it appears
hasn't really been even seeking it. Though you probably do not see it
yourself, this is coming off a bit selfish on your part and worse, you are
seeming as if you are dead set on getting this ONE, PARTICULAR guy or all is
lost for you. This sort of mindset ALWAYS (as in 100% OF THE TIME) drives
men away. Notice in the guy’s correspondence that he has basically backed
off from the sex himself. This is a STRONG sign that you are being way,
way too heavy for him.
Note also how he
at first wrote you a simple couple of sentences, and you responded with a long,
time-consuming narrative. Your response supports the assumptions I've
given in the previous paragraph, and in fact forced him to respond to you in
turn with a bulletized list, of all things, just to make some order of your
email to him.
So, keep two
things in mind: Men LOVE confident women, and men LOVE women with a high
degree of self-respect. To be more successful, stop saying things to the
effect that you see yourself as unattractive, and operate with more of a
mindset that you can get any man you want--not just settle for someone with
whom the timing of things is virtually impossible to make work for you.
Next, do not offer things that are unwanted by a man--ESPECIALLY sex.
This WILL all but kill your long-term chances with guys and will INVARIABLY
result in lots of pain for you.
Be good,
Scot
Scot McKay
is located in San Antonio, TX. He holds
a B.A. in Christian Education.
X and Y
Communications is dedicated to making you the most skilled participant in the
dating world you can be, at whatever stage of life you are in. It’s all about straight talk about the most
creative subjects, somehow encompassing faith-based principles while being
neither too shy nor too judgmental to hit the important things head on. The stuff you’ve heard a million times isn’t
rehashed around here. Enjoy!
Please
also note that the information in this newsletter is for entertainment purposes
only and is not intended to constitute professional advice.
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