Questions From
Readers
Got Change For an
I/J?
‘Very good and so
true. Question: Do you believe that if an IJ falls head over heels
for someone that he can / will change? If so, when he is pushy about the sex
and the girl says no do you think he will push again or wait? This is a
great question for all those girls who believe that they can “change” someone
or make them a better man through loving them.”
While it’s possible he could change, what a lot of women miss is
what the typical I/J is thinking in these cases. When an I/J has lucked into finding a woman (usually sweet and
kind-hearted) who is game for such a “project” as “changing” the guy, he has a
bonanza going on? How so? Simple, at that stage he simply does whatever
the hell he wants, whenever he wants, and the woman will likely stick
around no matter what due to her commitment to the “project”. In essence, she is on a mission and will not
give up. So guess what, 99% chance you
WILL NOT CHANGE an I/Js behavior—it’s way too good of a deal for him. The sick
irony here is that in those rare (as in “fictional”?) instances when the IJ
actually does change to better suit her vision for him, the woman actually ends
up breaking up with him. After all, the
intrigue is over with, the goal is achieved and there’s no more interest. And that’s pretty much okay, because the
illusion of “change” on his part was probably temporary anyway! People are strange, huh? Too bad this is far from exceptional
behavior. Oh well…
And While We Are On THAT Subject…
I have two guys in my
life. My first one is this guy that wants to meet my children. I think
it’s too early to do that because if he meets them and they get attached to him
and then something happens that we are not together anynore then my children
will get hurt. This has happened before that’s why I am being careful in this
matter. I had met this other guy and we have been seeing each other on and off
and we have sex a few times and I started developing feelings and now it just
seems different like he is not all that interested in me anymore. What should I
do? I am just really confused because he has told his friend that is friends
with one of my firends that he doesn’t feel the same but wants to continue having
sex with me. It’s
like he is putting up a front,because when i ask him he says he likes me but is
it just as friends? If you can give me any kind of advise on this issue i
would really appreciate it alot
Quote: “he has told his friend that is friends with one of my
firends that he doesn’t feel the same but wants to continue having sex with me”
First of all, I would never make any decisions regarding a relationship
on third-hand information. This is a conversation you need to have with
him to confirm what you have heard. Until you have done that, anything
else I am about to say is irrelevant.
If true, the fact that this I/J doesn’t keep his mouth shut about
your sex life goes hand-in-hand with what you’ve heard to form the simple
equation that he has no respect for you. If he feels this way about you,
it is also not likely to change into something deeper in the
future. Regardless of how you fell for him, in his eyes the
two of you are “f***buddies”. From the tone of your question, this
doesn’t sound like something you are looking for.
As for the other guy, I agree with not meeting the kids until something
resembling a relationship is forming. I’ve conveniently made an exception
when women have had daughter close in age to mine, but even that i’m starting
to rethink. The deeper story for that guy is that you probably aren’t
digging him so much anyway if you are still involved with the other guy and
actually putting up with his shenanigans. . On top of all else, I/J guy
probably realizes you feel more deeply and is still willing to take
advantage. Hear me loud and clear on this: You will not change
him. The healthiest thing for you to do here is cut all ties.
Men DREAM ABOUT women like you who will stick around and love on them
when all they really care about (and all they promise) is sex, sex and
more sex. And since you clearly have not talked about being exclusive,
don’t be surprised if he is out there forming similar “business relationships”
with multiple women. I call this “Harem Building”, and you will see a
newsletter on it in the future.
...AND...While
We Are STILL On That Subject...
I really loved the Storybook
newsletter, i have a question how do you feel about this situation i am a
single parent and i have been dating this one guy & he is
pushing to meet my children, how long so you think before someone should
meet my family? I met this guy and i knew him for a couple month’s and
everything seemed to be great @ first then we had sex after a few dates, i want
this guy to like me as much as i like him but i feel that we had sex way to
early he is pushing away from me now. what do you think i should
do?I have a few suggestions i hope you don’t mind, I would really like to
see you write a newsletter about falling for someone to fast.Or when someone
really likes you or if you are just using them. My friends talk about stuff
like this all the time we would really like a man perspective on this
issue!!! Thanks for listening. Talk to you soon!!!
You know, this
letter and the one above it involve such similar situations that I’d be tempted
to believe they were written by the same person, except I know all too
well that this exact stuff happens ALL THE TIME, and i’m printing this in part
to prove that point.
Excellent
questions though, and there are a few in there involving topics I am going to
hit soon in future newsletters. You used the word “pushing” a couple of
times. If he is wanting to meet your children, that is a very good sign
that he is wanting to be a part of your life. If you feel he is pushing
YOU away, that doesn’t fit into the grand scheme. I don’t know much about
the whole thing, but if you are very much wanting him, sometimes this can come
off in the form of being either: a) Too much communication (phone calls,
emails) that might make you appear “high maintenance”, or b) Too much
availability. In other words, he knows he basically has you where he
needs you (i.e. around his little finger), and “getting” tends to kill
“wanting”. Think about it this way. You know those needy/clingy
guys who seem “nice” but don’t ever leave you alone? How do you feel when
that starts going on? Well, THAT FEELING is exactly what you what to
avoid giving him. Men and women tend to be very similar that way.
At this stage, it sounds like he is liking you...but it’s time for you to lean
back a little and let him be the one to take the lead in building the
relationship.
As for the sex
part, from what I’ve seen and heard couples can be successful long-term
regardless of when they first have sex. This is much to the chagrin of
many including myself, but I really can’t deny the evidence. This is all dependent, of course, on your
views on things. Some people are ready to hit it the same night they
meet, others wait until they are married. By many accounts I’ve seen, “a
few dates” seems to be the “average” as to when it happens out there these
days. Now, the real question is
always what happens after the first time. It seems popular to believe
that if a guy “gets what he wants from a woman”, he’ll drop her and go after
the next one. This is a MYTH. If it was a good experience, he is
usually going to want MORE. If things changed for the worse after the
first time you had sex with the guy, check your thoughts and feelings to see if
there was anything that could have improved the experience for both of
you. If so, communicate. He isn’t going to bite your head off
(unless he is a true I/J, stress the “I” since you are trying to increase his
sex life), and most men would KILL for a woman who asks how to make sex
better. Please know this isn’t foolproof, and is also not at all an
indictment of your bedroom skeelz. Sometimes things just don’t go right
the first time or so, and believe it or not, sometimes only one of the partners
sees it that way.
Whoa…are you all
starting to get a feel for how different it is to have a faith-based approach
along with a commitment to “tell it like it is”? You all are giving me some challenging ones here.
Please also feel
free to have your friends sign up for the newsletter...we are still very much
building readership!
…And They Lived Happily Ever
After?
I could not agree more about
“The Storybook”. Funny that you wrote this I have been thinking about and
doing things to make myself a better “partner”. However I only discovered
this or “learned” this from experience and having a “bad” marriage.
Besides my beautiful children I am grateful for the bad experiences I had
because I have learned so much on how to do “my part”.
I have been on a
similar learning path for over two years now.
It is amazing how valuable it is to form the habits necessary to become
the best spouse you can be, and even more amazing HOW few people actually care
enough to go for it. Mad props to you
and to all other readers for taking the step of learning more! Lives improve immensely when this happens…
Ed note: “The Storybook” caused more of a flood of
response from readers than any single newsletter before it.
Signs, Signs, Everywhere
Signs [That He’s Married].
WOW, I really loved this
one!!!! you couldn’t have done a better job!! you should be careful yourself on
who you date. Just a little piece of advise for you!
well your newsletter is
coming in really handy, this guy doesn’t have a picture but he would mail me
one!!!!!! oh please. so i would assume he’s married. there a some weird men on
catholic web site. i thought that was really funny.scandless men on there i
would have to say. you hit that right
on!!!!
Isn’t it amazing
how sometimes things appear clearer right before your very eyes when someone
else shines a light on it?
Brothers and Lovers
My Dad is one of my closest
friends & I’m very close to both of my brothers. Strangely, I’ve found that
to be intimidating to men. Why is that? Let me know if you have the answer!!
What a great
question. Most men in this culture are
programmed to believe that they have to be “nice” to women they are dating, and
that most of what being a man is all about involves “behaving badly”. My guess is that your Dad and your brothers
are pretty much comfortable around you by now, and their typical masculine
behavior doesn’t faze you a bit.
Therefore, when you bring a man around, the guy is kind of caught
between both personas—whether to be super nice and well-behaved around you, or
to fit right in with your male relatives.
Pulling off both at the same time is a tough thing for the vast majority
of guys to pull off. Now, the irony of
course is that most women like you aren’t attracted to girly men who act like
“nice boys” anyway, so it’s natural you should wonder what the big deal
is.
Dealing With Bi-racial Dating Issues
I was dating a man,
who became distant from me because of the situation, him being black
and me being white, he didn’t want me to have to go thru a battle with my
family.come to find out that we are expecting a baby things have changed. Now i need to make this work and have my
family accept him because we are now a family. I found all this out today and i
have been talking to my best friend and i am just confused right now. i didn’t
want to leave them hanging. This has been a rough day for me!!! I have sat down
with my children to expalin the situation to them and they are really happy.I believe i have found the man
for me. I know dating outside your race it’s difficult and then having a
bi-racial baby doesn’t make things easier. I just want to hear your opion on
this???????????
Well, it sounds like
you have already thought a lot out in a short period of time and begun to
execute on a plan. Your family is going to have to understand that your
happiness is your own business, and you aren’t here to please them. As
for your guy, be sure he is not just coming back because of the baby, because
his initial excuse for distancing himself from you doesn’t necessarily hold
water. Make sure there is solid ground for a relationship.
I also don’t
necessarily see a reason for telling everyone about the pregnancy just
yet. Wait until later in the second trimester. For what it’s worth,
how did it take you three months to figure out you were pregnant? That is
unusual. Kudos and blessings to you for choosing to have the child...I
know that involves courage.
As for the bi-racial
child, don’t sweat that. Any old school way of thinking that clouds that
picture is ancient history. Bi-racial children are beautiful.
Readership Is Building
“Sign Me Up, Scotty!”
Um…okay.
...Redux
hello, my friend had
forwarded a newsletter she had recieved from you and it was really good,i would
like to be added to your mailing list. How often do you do these letters? I am
a single mother and i share these with my other friends. i have recieved the
one you had sent out today to her it was great. Could you please let me know.
Thanks
We are always
looking to expand readership! Many of
you continue to send new readers my way, and the general feedback has been
great. It looks like there is a true
need for what we are doing around here.
As readership builds, look for e-books and other cool things to come.
Be good,
Scot
Scot McKay
is located in San Antonio, TX. He holds
a B.A. in Christian Education.
X and Y
Communications is dedicated to making you the most skilled participant in the
dating world you can be, at whatever stage of life you are in. It’s all about straight talk about the most
creative subjects, somehow encompassing faith-based principles while being
neither too shy nor too judgmental to hit the important things head on. The stuff you’ve heard a million times isn’t
rehashed around here. Enjoy!
Please
also note that the information in this newsletter is for entertainment purposes
only and is not intended to constitute professional advice.
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